This Ethics World Cup is messing with our minds: World Cup Fiver

NEW ENGLAND

The Fiver is losing its bearings, reader, and Tin is not solely to blame. All our old certainties are crumbling away like dog logs in the July sun. Germany have been exposed as flaky frauds, Spain really did become more boring than when they were at their pomp and, most preposterously of all, England are deadly in penalty shootouts! This Ethics World Cup is messing with our minds!

It wasn’t just the cool precision with which England dispatched their spot kicks to beat Colombia on Tuesday that bamboozled. Much of what happened in the 120 minutes prior to that also startled even if there was a period when Gareth Southgate’s team began to lose their way like their big-talking forefathers. Jordan Henderson even nodded to tradition by botching his penalty in the shootout but before that the dependable midfielder had innovated by collapsing to the ground and appealing for urgent medical assistance after having his chin stroked by Wílmar Barrios: if a Brazilian had done that, we’d be saying ‘stop that, Neymar, you utter git.’ And Jordan Pickford made one spectacular save in normal time before making another in the shootout, his heroic reliability suggesting he’d never even heard of Joe Hart, Rob Green, Peter Bonnetti and 1990’s Peter Shilton. Are England not even going to have dodgy keepers any more? Truly, this has been a terrible World Cup for cliches.

So thank goodness for England’s next opponents, Sweden. Not only has their manager Janne Andersson produced a crude stereotype of a side – a solid, flair-free, highly-functional Scandinavian unit that looks like it should be easy to cope with but can in fact be swearingly awkward – but the Swedish media are also on a mission to put the hack into hackneyed. “Sweden have reached the quarter-finals and now England, with their usual hubris, await!” hurrahed Daniel Kristofferson in Expressen. The notion that England’s arrogance will be their downfall on Saturday was a common theme among Swedish scribes, most of whom appear to have been fooled by Gareth Southgate’s Victorian waistcoat into missing the vibe of New England and the fact that the very first thing Southgate said upon being asked about his team’s next opponents was: “We’ve been underestimating Sweden for years, they’re brilliant at what they do.” They seem to have missed the irony in declaring that English over-confidence makes Swedish victory certain.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

2 July: “Given the information issued tonight by TVE on a supposed offer of Real Madrid to PSG and player Neymar, Real Madrid CF said that this information is outright false. Real Madrid has not made any kind of offer to PSG or the player” – Real Madrid deny putting in an offer for Neymar, without fooling anyone.

4 July: “Given the information published in the last hours referring to an alleged agreement between Real Madrid and PSG by player Kylian Mbappé, Real Madrid says they are flatly false” – Real Madrid hit control C, control V add Mbappé, still fail to fool anyone.

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FIVEЯ LETTERS

“What on earth is happening ... England won a penalty shootout, the Fiver called it right, and I laughed out loud at yesterday’s edition of said email. The world’s gone mad” – Peter Moore.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day and, with it, a copy of World Cup Nuggets by Richard Foster is … Peter Moore.

RECOMMENDED LISTENING

Here’s the latest World Cup Football Daily podcast, with Max Rushden and co, and you can find it in this general area every matchday evening.

BITS AND BOBS

Radamel Falcao has taken defeat to England well. “I found it peculiar that they put an American referee in this instance ... to tell you the truth, the process leaves a lot of doubts,” he toys-out-of-prammed. “When in doubt he always went to the England side. It’s shameful.”

An impressive 24.4 million people watched England on ITV last night. Maybe there is a future in free-to-air television after all.

Englishman Rufus Hall was detained by authorities after scrawling ‘England’ on a statue honouring Spartak legend Fedor Cherenkov outside the stadium in Moscow. “I feel sorry, I feel embarrassed, I love this country for the two days I’ve been here,” Hall withered. “Your people have been welcoming, I’ve had a lovely time. I would never disrespect the country, I respect the history. Had I known this would offend people I would never have done it and I wholly apologise.”

France defender and Mr Pamela Anderson, Adil Rami, is not bothered he’s not had a sniff of action in Russia so far, as he’s more concerned with being the side’s vibes man. “My role is to try to bring positive waves to the team. I also bring my qualities, my character, my mental strength,” he Bez-ed.

Jamie Vardy is a doubt for the quarter-final after suffering groin knack, which meant he could not take a penalty.

Non-World Cup dept: Scott Parker is back at Fulham as first-team coach. “I’m looking forward to getting started right away in preparation for the Premier League campaign,” he muttered.

STILL WANT MORE?

“Yerry Mina spent so long hugging and petting Raheem Sterling in the first half he will probably miss him tonight, might find himself snuggling up to his largest cushion just to get that simulated contact” – Barney Ronay reports from Moscow.

You want World Cup power rankings? Have some World Cup power rankings.

Big Paper’s resident Swede, Marcus Christensen, still giddy from his side’s win over Switzerland, was on duty for the England v Colombia player ratings. Dele Alli? 5/10.

Marcus also took the time to look up what Sweden’s press made of England’s win: “We have Harry Potter against Pippi Longstocking. Now it is all about dreams and fairy tales that have to be told.”

Sachin Nakrani spent Tuesday night with London’s Colombian community in Elephant and Castle and wrote this.

Jorge Valdano on Kylian Mbappé: read.

Ed Aarons on Neymar, his ‘Peter Pan syndrome’ and indulgence.

Dominic Fifield on a new dawn for England and why Colombia’s red mist left referee (and former maths teacher) Mark Geiger struggling to maintain control.

Twenty-two years on from THAT penalty miss at Wembley, Gareth Southgate has some sort of redemption, writes Martha Kelner.

Jonny Weeks rounds up the best snaps at the Spartak Stadium.

Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!

PLAYED RICH