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This eventful chapter for Ronaldinho comes to an end
BIG RON
Dinho. Idol. Mentor. Don Flip Flap. Seaman’s Poseidon. Friend. Boss. Entertainer. Ronaldinho has been called many things in his life, but a crook is not one of them. Yes, the fabled Brazilian may have been guilty of drinking a can of Pepsi shortly after signing a big-money deal, but he paid his dues, or rather lost Coke’s $750,000 sponsorship wonga, and kept smiling. Sure, he’s also guilty of not always tracking his man, but who cares when he’s senselessly popping no-look passes about, setting up counter-attacks by controlling the ball WITH HIS BACK, and sending Gennaro Gattuso to the shops so many times that the Italian has now got enough Nectar points to fly himself off to a secluded island for a bit of rehab. The point is, whenever he has made mistakes, Ronaldinho has always made up for them.
That is, until recently. Ronnie has spent nearly six months of 2020 entangled in the Paraguayan legal system, after he and his brother/Mr 15% were charged for entering the country on a promotional tour with falsified Paraguayan passports and ID, despite neither having Paraguayan citizenship. While The Fiver’s mind briefly wandered to what a dressing room that included both José Luis Chilavert and Ronaldinho might look like, the pressing matter of how the Brazilian might get out of this particular tight spot has been the talk of Big Papers all over South America, with the siblings potentially facing five years in jail.
Related: Ronaldinho granted house arrest in Paraguay amid fake passport flap
It seems though, that after a tricky initial 32-day stretch in a maximum-security big house, in which he spent his 40th birthday, Ol’ Ron Don has been living it up. In a grand departure from his normal routine, Ronaldinho has spent the last four months under house arrest and quarantine at a luxury £300-a-night hotel, where he has passed the days and night with “guests”, dancing and singing karaoke, according to hotel staff.
Sounds absolutely terrible, doesn’t it? Ronnie has always claimed that he had nil idea that the passports were falsified – something that Paraguayan prosecutors now agree with – and this week, after entering a guilty plea and paying a $200,000 fine, it seems the legendary Brazilian is free to go anywhere he pleases. And so, this eventful chapter of Ronaldindom comes to an end. As the great one himself sang in 2017: “Whoever thought I was going to trip, got it right; but I’m standing up and the head up; for I know that life has a lot more to give me.” Much like his all-too-brief encounter with Pep at Barcelona, Ronnie has been set free. Keep your legs closed, Gennaro, he’s back.
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“Over the last week, we have endeavoured to secure confirmation that LD Sports are still an appropriate and viable partner for the club but have been left with no alternative other than to end the partnership with immediate effect” – despite all their new kits bearing the legend of their sponsor, Southampton abruptly pull the plug on the deal, reaching a one-year agreement with an online gambling company instead.
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“I have to take issue over your comments about the possibility of Neymar drowning by inserting his head into an upturned Big Cup (yesterday’s Fiver). Although his head is undoubtedly large, it is unlikely to have the circular cross-section required to produce a hermetic seal and so the rivers of salty tears would fail to accumulate inside the cup. He could have cried for as long as he wished without any risk to life” – Keith Buchanan (and others).
“One of the worst things about football media – amid strong competition, present company excepted – is when exchanges on social media disgraces get labelled as spats, when usually they are two people (usually pundits) engaging in some mutual trolling. Anyway, it’s starting to creep into the wider media too, with a discount supermarket producing a beer that makes fun of some craft beer edgelords. The rascals have responded by producing their own supermarket-themed Tin. Everyone involved in this is inexplicably a grown-up. Anyway, their exchanges have been enjoyable verbal jousting, but far away from the ‘war’ it is being described as elsewhere. This sort of reporting needs nipping in the bud, and as football seems to be the original source, perhaps relaunching the Stop Football campaign will prevent cases from spreading further” – Ed Taylor.
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Harry Maguire is in Gareth Southgate’s England squad for the Nations League ties against Iceland and Denmark early next month, despite his involvement in Greek court proceedings that are still ongoing at the time of emailing. Full squad: Abraham (Chelsea), Alexander-Arnold (Liverpool), Dier (Tottenham), Foden (Manchester City), Gomez (Liverpool), Greenwood (Manchester United), Henderson (Manchester United), Ings (Southampton), Kane (Tottenham), Keane (Everton), Maguire (Manchester United), Mings (Aston Villa), Morris-Dancing Fiver (Fiver Towers), Mount (Chelsea), Phillips (T’FKN Leeds), Pickford (Everton), Pope (Burnley), Rashford (Manchester United), Rice (West Ham), Sancho (Borussia Dortmund), Sterling (Manchester City), Trippier (Atlético Madrid), Walker (Manchester City), Ward-Prowse (Southampton), Winks (Tottenham).
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