Yahoo Sport 
Football Cliches: What absolutely will happen in the Premier League this weekend
In his debut piece for Yahoo Sport, Adam Hurray AKA @FootballCliches previews the weekend’s games. Using Championsup Manager 93/94 amongst other things.
In the grand scheme of international breaks, most of us (apart from the Dutch, the Americans, the Welsh, the Chileans, and so on) can agree that the last fortnight or so was a very acceptable international break indeed.
But – with the World Cup guest list all but complete – some battered hamstrings are back for the resumption of what really pays the bills. The Premier League weekend should get off to a flyer on Saturday lunchtime, but we’ve already worked out what’s going to happen this weekend…
Liverpool v Manchester United
Put your mortgage on…
Set-piece stress levels. Get yourself a nice hot pan, throw in Jurgen Klopp’s frequently hapless defence, slowly mix in Jose Mourinho’s basketball team and season with a few early corners. Allow to simmer for 90 minutes.
The match, according to Championship Manager 93/94…
Retro Indulgence
Let’s go back to Anfield in January 1994, where a 3-3 draw was sparked into life by 1) Neil Ruddock almost kickin Roy Keane in half, and 2) Denis Irwin exacting revenge from the resultant free-kick.
A great advert for the Premier League.
Burnley v West Ham
Put your mortgage on…
Claret. Everywhere. In the headlines, in the commentary…but not on the pitch, because West Ham have to wear their away kit, obviously. Bit of a shame, that: good old claret-and-blue should be given special dispensation, really.
The match, according to a pie chart…
Most likely headline in the morning paper…
CLARET EVERYWHERE AS BURNLEY BATTER BELEAGUERED BILIC
Crystal Palace v Chelsea
Put your mortgage on…
Crystal Palace scoring. No, wait, come back! This is their moment. After ten and a half hours of professional, top-flight huffing and puffing, the only team in Europe’s top 20 leagues are finally going to enjoy how it feels to rustle a net, to hear the stadium announcer give the time of the goal to the nearest second, to make the other team have to kick off more than once. This is their moment. Honest.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
Some high farce from 1993: starring Frank Sinclair, the sort of slapstick-friendly pitch we just don’t see in the Premier League any more, and Chris Coleman happily slide-tackling the ball (just) over the line.
Enjoy. They made a stage adaptation of this on the West End.
Manchester City v Stoke
Put your mortgage on…
Some full-time tension. Mark Hughes is in town – the master of the incomplete managerial handshake – and Pep Guardiola could start an intensely awkward moment in an empty phone box. Sure, they have Barcelona in common, but that’s about it. Stoke are going to lose quite comfortably, Hughes will not be happy about it, and Guardiola won’t give a hoot.
The match, according to Championship Manager 93/94…
Most likely headline in the morning paper…
FIVE-STAR CITY SLICKERS STOKE THE TITLE RACE FIRE
Swansea v Huddersfield
Put your mortgage on…
[INT: Match of the Day studio. Gary Lineker looks a bit tired.]
LINEKER: “Our final game tonight comes from the Liberty Stadium, where…
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper…
SWANS EVOLVE TO DRIVE TERRIERS INTO EXTINCTION
Tottenham v Bournemouth
Put your mortgage on…
Harry Kane. Seriously, put your entire mortgage on it. His goalless August – basically now a recognised bug in the HarryKane™ 2.0 operating system – has given way to an autumn of 15 goals in 10 games and a nomination for the FIFA Ronaldo or Messi Award.
The prospect of Kane getting the ball out of his feet 20 yards out and rifling the ball unfussily beyond Asmir Begovic into the bottom-left corner, sometime in the first half at Wembley, is so seemingly inevitable that it might well have happened already. Tottenham are 1-0 up, and the game doesn’t start for hours yet.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper…
WILL HARRY KANE SCORE MORE THAN PELE AND GERD MULLER COMBINED?
Watford v Arsenal
Put your mortgage on…
Jack Wilshere – playing for his future under Arsene Wenger – stepping into Arsenal’s fatigued and injury-hit breach and putting in the sort of performance that launches a thousand “Wilshere to the World Cup?” thinkpieces.
He won’t go to the World Cup.
He might.
The match, according to Championship Manager 93/94…
Retro indulgence
Thierry Henry, back in 2000, just being very Thierry Henry indeed.
The graceful striding forward, the defenders apparently turned to stone, the curled right-foot finish into the far corner. Tick, tick, tick.
Brighton v Everton
Put your mortgage on…
Everton finally, surely getting their act together.
Despite their summer outlay, their squad somehow still doesn’t look anywhere close to right, but their attacking trio of Gylfi Sigurdsson (on a high after helping the entire population of Iceland to the World Cup), Oumar Niasse (the Premier League’s latest fairytale story) and Dominic Calvert-Lewin (who is possibly in the top 3 most promising young English players with a double-barrelled name) have the potential to dovetail eventually.
The match, according to a pie chart…
Most likely headline in the morning paper…
SEAGULLS CHOKE ON TOFFEES
Southampton v Newcastle
Put your mortgage on…
Some tentative prodding around the strange rectangle sometimes known as “the penalty area”. Southampton have managed just 12 shots on target in their four home games this season combined, while the distinctly mediocre Joselu is responsible for a terrifying 44% of Newcastle’s efforts on goal on the road so far.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
What screams “Southampton vs Newcastle” more than Matt Le Tissier controlling the ball behind him with his heel, flicking it immaculately over two defenders and then rolling the ball into the corner, with adverts for Sega’s Street Fighter II in the background?
If the game’s no good, just watch that on loop for two hours.
Leicester v West Brom
Put your mortgage on…
Craig Shakespeare and Tony Pulis absolutely cornering the middle-aged men’s leisurewear market between them. These two don’t do tailored suits and shiny shoes, not even under the Monday night floodlights.
The match, according to a pie chart…
Most likely headline in the morning paper…
HARDY VARDY GUILTY OF PULIS BRUTALITY
