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Football Cliches: What absolutely will happen in the Premier League this weekend
A very solid showing from this column last weekend – seven out of the 10 Premier League results turned out as predicted, with only Spurs really upsetting the odds with a lacklustre draw at home to West Brom.
A week later, we have two new managers – if you can call Sam Allardyce and Alan Pardew “new” – to give us something to chew over…
Chelsea v Newcastle
Put your mortgage on…
Chelsea having to dig their way through again. Antonio Conte’s rotated side had to be patient against Swansea in midweek, while Newcastle – to Rafa Benitez’s almost certain dismay – have conceded nine goals in their last three games. This could be tough going for pretty much everyone…
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
Back in 2004, Alan Shearer bounces off Marcel Desailly, turns round and emphatically ends Chelsea’s title hopes…
Brighton v Liverpool
Put your mortgage on…
Mohamed Salah. You might still not be sure which Liverpool are going to turn up, but the Premier League’s top scorer is absolutely flying. Even when rested against Stoke in midweek, he bounded off the bench to score two lovely goals and extend his lead over Harry Kane, Sergio Aguero and a host of other more traditional no.9s.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
A proper FA cup tie back in 1991. Liverpool visit the Goldstone Ground for a fourth-round replay, John Barnes wears tights, Brighton chuck the kitchen sink at them, and Ian Rush scores a beauty.
Everton v Huddersfield
Put your mortgage on…
Everton to give Big Sam a flying start. Hot on the heels of a stirring Goodison Park evening in midweek, they’re at home again and with a chance of finally gathering some momentum. As for Huddersfield, they’ve conceded 14 goals in the five games since upsetting Jose Mourinho and Manchester United, looking increasingly frazzled each time.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
SWEET TOFFEES SATISFY BIG SAM
Leicester v Burnley
Put your mortgage on…
Claret everywhere. Burnley are happy to dig in and stand firm, as they showed for 92 minutes against Arsenal last weekend, and now they face one of the Premier League’s most all-action frontlines. If Demarai Gray makes a deserved start, he will provide rapid support for Riyad Mahrez and Jamie Vardy in their job of pulling Sean Dyche’s defence all over the place.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
DYCHE OUTFOXED AS VARDY STRIKES
Stoke v Swansea
Put your mortgage on…
Renato Sanches watching from the bench. Euro 2016’s best breakthrough artist, on loan from Bayern Munich, has endured a miserable time at Swansea so far, despite Paul Clement’s arm-round-the-shoulder encouragement. Even before he provided an inch-perfect pass for an advertising hoarding, Sanches.
Swansea boss Paul Clement:
"[Renato] wasn't injured… He had a poor half, didn't he?"
"I feel for him because he's a very talented player. I don't think in any of the games he's played this year he's showed the talent he has."
➡️ https://t.co/FHBrx6cMVu pic.twitter.com/mwgWqIzkvZ
— Yahoo Sport UK (@YahooSportUK) November 30, 2017
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
HURTY SANCHES GOING NOWHERE AT SWANSEA
Watford v Tottenham
Put your mortgage on…
Some fresh faces to get Spurs going again. Erik Lamela made a welcome return in midweek after 400 days of injury misery and Mauricio Pochettino could turn to him from the start. Harry Winks should also come back in with some bright midfield ideas of how to earn a first Premier League win in four.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
Glenn Hoddle bewitches Vicarage Road with that magical turn and that sumptuous chip in 1983…
West Brom v Crystal Palace
Put your mortgage on…
Alan Pardew to dominate proceedings. It might be the only thing that stops this one from popping up last on Match of the Day.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
Palace’s Michael Hughes accidentally knocks out referee Paul Danson with a headbutt back in 2003/04. It still got a cheer, which feels a bit cruel.
Arsenal v Manchester United
Put your mortgage on…
A throwback to the great days of this rivalry. Both teams are in encouraging form for a spectacle, and – call us naive romanticists – but this sort of game needs some early-evening floodlights to get it going, rather than a bleary-eyed lunchtime kick-off.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
Where do you start with one of the most YouTube-friendly fixtures imaginable? Let’s go for the time that a Sky Sports cameraman felt obliged to eavesdrop on Mark Halsey’s deliberations with a linesman about whether to send off Sol Campbell.
The shot of a sighing Thierry Henry, just visible between the whispering officials, is a perfectly framed moment.
Bournemouth v Southampton
Put your mortgage on…
Southampton to claim the south-coast bragging rights, if those even exist. The thrashing of Everton last weekend – featuring the clinical forehead of Charlie Austin – suggests they might have too much for Bournemouth.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
SAINTS ALIVE AT THE VITALITY
Manchester City v West Ham
Put your mortgage on…
Pep Guardiola keeping his post-match counsel this time. After all, if he was going to offer these West Ham players some constructive criticism after the final whistle, he’d probably be out there for about three hours.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
23rd March 1996: Judgement Day for Manchester City, as Julian “The Terminator” Dicks lets fly from 30 yards…
