Is Real Madrid's Marco Asensio to join Spurs?

Marcus Rashford is a target for Milan. Paul Pogba is unhappy. And José Mourinho has gone to the absurd lengths of distancing himself from a claim that he’s committed to Manchester United made by his own agent. “It’s not my statement, I didn’t know at all and I didn’t care about it.” Poor Ed Woodward. And there’s Theresa May thinking she’s got problems.

But here’s some slightly more upbeat news for the beleaguered giants: Manchester United are hopeful of finally landing that elusive, game-changing central defender in the upcoming window! Step forward Pablo, Bordeaux’s 27-year-old Brazilian international. Not only that, hot Ajax pair Matthijs De Ligt and Frenkie De Jong are on their radar, as is the young Middlesbrough winger Marcus Tavernier. And Juan Mata is eager to sign a new contract. So it’s swings and roundabouts.

Barcelona are also in the market for a new centre-back, and are making eyes at 2014’s Vincent Kompany. Arsenal want one too, and are taking a long look at Valladolid defender Fernando Calero.

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Meanwhile, rivals Tottenham want Real Madrid’s Marco Asensio. Crystal Palace want/need a new striker, and Bournemouth benchwarmer Jermain Defoe fits the bill.

Newcastle United could do with Mike Ashley chipping off, and a new signing or two. The former may facilitate the latter, and Benfica midfielder Andreas Samaris might be the first new face through the door. But not if Paraguayan attacker Miguel Almiron, of MLS Cup winners Atlanta United, gets there first.

Chelsea fancy Napoli right-back Elseid Hysaj and Barcelona midfielder Denis Suárez. Habitual south-coast plunderers Liverpool are considering a £15m bid for Brighton midfielder Pascal Gross.

And if anyone wants to sign unsettled Barcelona magician Ousmane Dembélé, they’ll have to stump up £362m. £362m! This is going to have to stop at some point, though having said that, folk were saying this back in 1979 when Manchester City paid Wolves £1,437,500 for Steve Daley, and nobody looks like reaching for the handbrake yet.