How to gauge how fierce your college football rivalry is

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Forty names, games, teams and minutiae making news in college football (grilled crow sold separately in Knoxville, where it’s a new menu item at Calhoun’s):

DASH QUIZ: HOW TOXIC IS YOUR RIVALRY?

This is Rivalry Week in the sport, and it doesn’t get much more fun than the traditional, season-ending battles between schools and fan bases that can’t stand each other. But some rivalries teeter toward the toxic end – and The Dash is here to help you figure out the relative health (or lack of health) of your favorite rivalry. Take the following quiz to find out.

Question 1: True or false: You sincerely believe that your school and football program represent an athletically, academically and morally superior way of life (11) compared to your ethically bankrupt rival.

If you answer true: add five points.

If you answer false: add zero points.

Question 2: You wish ill upon your rival’s football team (12) and entire university …

A. Only on the day when they are playing your favorite team. The rest of the year, you’re happy for their success.

B. During football season. You hope they go 0-12 while your school goes 12-0, but you wish their university well during the offseason.

C. Every waking moment of every day. Not enough bad things can happen to them.

If your answer is A: add zero points.

If your answer is B: add three points.

If your answer is C: add five points.

Question 3: At Thanksgiving (13) and other gatherings that include family or friends who cheer for your rival, you …

A. Laugh about each other’s foibles, because family is more important than sports.

B. Diplomatically rebut your uncle’s jibes about your favorite team, but keep it agreeable and respectful.

C. Wait for your sister-in-law fan of the rival school to say something obnoxious first, then throw the turkey’s wishbone at her head.

D. Start the insults yourself before you’ve taken off your coat, because anyone who cheers for that trash college deserves to be savaged more than the family deserves a harmonious holiday gathering.

If your answer is A: add zero points.

If your answer is B: add one point.

If your answer is C: add three points.

If your answer is D: add five points.

Question 4: When Black Friday shopping, if you see fans wearing the gear of your rival, you …

A. Smile and nod, because we’re all in this together.

B. Stare coldly (14) at them in passing.

C. Pipe up and tell them how badly your team is going to whip their team this weekend.

D. Go full Walmart doorbuster loco on them, with a brawl in the electronics section.

If your answer is A: add zero points.

If your answer is B: add three points.

If your answer is C: add four points.

If your answer is D: add five points and surrender to store security for assault.

Question 5: When it comes to officiating (15) in the big rivalry game, you …

A. Don’t worry about it, because the refs don’t decide who wins.

B. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst, because they tend to get the calls at their stadium and you have a long list of past grievances to back that up.

C. Howl in outrage on social media and message boards about your team getting screwed, always getting screwed, and your rival always getting the breaks (usually with the aid of the corrupt conference office).

D. Find the phone numbers of the corrupt refs who screwed you and make threatening calls to their homes and/or businesses.

If your answer is A: add zero points.

If your answer is B: add three points.

If your answer is C: add four points.

If your answer is D: add five points.

Question 6: When it comes to NCAA violations (16), you …

A. Figure both your school and its rival are about equally engaged in at-risk recruiting practices.

B. Are convinced they’re cheating, and hopeful that your school is not.

C. Keep a file of every sketchy commitment the rival cheaters have ever gotten, while maintaining that no athlete has ever chosen your school for anything but the most noble reasons.

D. Have the NCAA Enforcement phone number in your contacts because you’ve personally turned in the cheating bums multiple times. While also helping fund your school’s player kickbacks, because you’ve got to keep up with the rival payoffs.

If your answer is A: add zero points.

If your answer is B: add two points.

If your answer is C: add four points.

If your answer is D: add five points.

Question 7: How much time do you spend on your rival’s message boards?

A. None. What’s the point?

B. Occasional visits for some good-natured banter (17).

C. After every game they lose, you’re there trolling hard.

D. Daily reconnaissance and rhetorical warfare, fighting the good fight against the heathens on behalf of your superior tribe.

If your answer is A: add zero points.

If your answer is B: add two points.

If your answer is C: add four points.

If your answer is D: add five points.

Question 8: If you attend the big rivalry game in person and are seated near fans of the opposing tribe, you …

A. Say hello and have a good time with them.

B. Occasionally exchange civil commentary on the flow of the game.

C. Tell them up-front that their school sucks and they’re going home losers.

D. Fuel up on liquid courage in the parking lot and then start swinging (18) as soon as there is the slightest provocation.

If your answer is A: add zero points.

If your answer is B: add two points.

If your answer is C: add four points.

If your answer is D: add five points.

Question 9: If your team loses the big rivalry game, you …

A. Take it hard, but congratulate your rival on having the better team.

B. Simmer in discontent because you cannot believe your stately school lost to that cow college, demand coaching changes and live in dread of hearing about it from their smug fans for the next year.

C. Put your foot through the television in your living room.

D. Poison the trees (19) on your rival’s campus.

If your answer is A: add zero points.

If your answer is B: add two points.

If your answer is C: add four points.

If your answer is D: add five points.

Question 10: In the end, it’s …

A. Just a game.

B. All you’ve got.

If your answer is A: add zero points.

If your answer is B: add five points.

Scale:

0-5 points: Your rivalry is too healthy. It’s boring. It’s Army-Navy.

5-25 points: Your rivalry is zesty and occasionally stupid, but not embarrassing. It’s Cal-Stanford.

25-45 points: Your rivalry has issues. Lighten up. It’s Auburn-Alabama.

45-50 points: Your rivalry is the Egg Bowl (20). Seek counseling.

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