Honestly, when was the last decent Friday night game?

SHARPENING THEIR BLADES

Like Weird Uncle Fiver, the Premier League appears hellbent on sticking with its ill-advised Friday night plans. Honestly, when was the last decent Friday night game? Admittedly, Wolves 3-2 Man City was pretty good, but through a haze of Christmas Tin, that didn’t feel like a Friday. There was Leicester’s 9-0 win at Southampton but ... let’s not ruin the narrative. Down with this sort of thing!

At first glance, Sheffield United v West Ham looks an odd choice, no more than an excuse for the cry-laughing-face emojis at Premier League Towers to force already un’appy ‘Ammers fans to spend their weekends in a travel tavern. Hang on, something’s coming back to us … it’s April 2007. The Proclaimers top the charts with I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles), their bellowed ode to travelling supporters. The Fiver is moving headlong into the artificial intelligence age. And Sheffield United are staying up!

Related: David McGoldrick is beloved by Blades despite his lack of cutting edge | Paul Doyle

A comprehensive 3-0 win over West Ham leaves Neil Warnock’s merry band five points above the Hammers with four to play. Once the expected points deduction for the murky third-party signings of Javier Mascherano and Carlos Tevez kicks in, it’ll all be over. Eh, what’s that? Oh. West Ham get a hefty fine instead, and Tevez goes on to lead them to safety with four straight wins, including a victory at Old Trafford back when that was actually hard. And Sheffield United are going down.

Warnock took the outcome with trademark good grace, stripping to the waist and demanding “five minutes alone, no holds barred” with Premier League big cheese Richard Scudamore [if the Prem really wanted to offer us Friday night entertainment … - Fiver Ed]. A protracted legal battle ensued, which The Fiver can’t delve into fully because – yes, just put it on the tab, please – it’s, uh, a complicated business. In the end, West Ham agreed to pay Sheffield United £21m in compensation, but the beef was well and truly set.

On balance, did the Blades have the right to feel aggrieved? Yes. Would the whole thing have been avoided if they’d beaten Plucky Wigan at home? Also yes. Either way, Friday night marks the Hammers’ first trip to Bramall Lane since that infamous season. Chris Wilder and David Moyes have snarled their mutual respect at each other, and with both teams in the top flight again, perhaps the hatchet can finally be buried. At least until Moyes’ new loan signing, the mysterious forward Tarlos Cevez, scores a last-gasp winner.

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE

Join Tumaini Carayol for live minute-by-minute coverage of Sheffield United 3-2 West Ham at 8pm GMT.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“These guys [points to Amazon cameraman], these guys are 24 hours. Only when I go to the toilet they’re not coming with me! Apart from that they’re always with me. Only Amazon disturb me, not the cameras on matchday” – Humility Man™ there, clearly loving life juggling his role as Spurs manager with being the lead act in a forthcoming north London sitcom.

FIVER LETTERS

“With mandatory three-week suspensions for people who don’t read the 14-page handbook, are “overly competitive” or dare to chat on the WhatsApp group, this five-a-side team are certainly doing their darnedest to STOP FOOTBALL for as many of their players as possible, and should be commended for it” – Jim Hearson.

“I can imagine the pain everyone experiences with “The Lalas Open Mouth” (Fiver passim). Now imagine he is the general manager of your club and you stumble over him every single home match. I recall the best trade movement he ever made was to offer me his autograph in exchange for my beer. I refused” – Dave McAllister.

“In fairness to Alexi Lalas [Fiver passim], he’s uniquely positioned to criticise a show about Italian-Americans living in New Jersey. Lalas is perhaps the only American to have played professionally in Italy (Padova 94-96) and New Jersey (MLS Metrostars 98-99). As a result, he has first-hand personal experience with folks who – oh, it’s a damned great show, ya [snip – Fiver lawyers]” – Mike Wilner.

“First Winks fell out of favour, then Kane’s hamstring twanged, swiftly followed by Maguire’s hip. Now HRH is suffering privacy-gah. It’s a bad time to be a Harry” – Mark McFadden.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Dave McAllister.

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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

A 38-year-old Verona fan has been given a five-year stadium ban for the racial abuse of Mario Balotelli in November and a Manchester City fan has received the same length of ban for racially abusing Raheem Sterling in December 2018.

Good bloke and Brighton goalie Mat Ryan has pledged to donate A$500 to Australian wildlife charities for every single save made by Premier League keeper this weekend to help fund the effort against the damage caused by bushfires back home.

Jürgen Klopp reckons his Liverpool side could not give a flying one about the possibility of setting the record for the best start to a Premier League season when they beat Spurs 3-1 on Saturday. “If we had been thinking about breaking records all this time we would not have won the number of games we have,” roared Klopp.

Coming soon: more FA Cup games on your telly.

Harry Maguire is a “warrior”, says Ole Gunnar Solskjæer, who hopes his star defender will be able to play on through the pain of hip-knack against Norwich at Manchester United’s theatre of broken dreams.

Tottenham’s interest in Gedson Fernandes has West Ham blowing bubbles of frustration after they thought they had secured the Benfica midfielder on an 18-month loan deal only to find out he has been offered to Spurs.

And two years after saying “I’m very happy the move [to Crystal Palace] failed”, Cenk Tosun has joined Crystal Palace on loan from Everton. “I’m so excited to be here,” parped the trundling No 9.

STILL WANT MORE?

“If they find us it’s death or kidnap”. Ed Aarons and Alex Cizmic speak to the Eritrean footballers on the run.

Like a biblical character who can do miraculous things, Phil Parkinson is straining to keep the dark clouds away from Sunderland, writes Louise Taylor.

Trent Alexander-Arnold is leading Liverpool’s quest for league glory and surely must be one of the favourites for the PFA’s Player of the Year gong, writes Eni Aluko.

It’s Friday, so get your teeth into these 10 things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend.

Never has a misfiring striker been loved more by a club’s own fans than Sheffield United’s 32-year-old breakout star David McGoldrick, toots Paul Doyle.

Ralph Hasenhüttl ‘still alive’ after that 9-0 thrashing and he’s calmly guiding Saints to safety as his side meet Leicester again, writes Ed Aarons.

Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!

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