Is there anyone out there who can prevent Arsenal losing their £42.5m midfielder Mesut Ozil for peanuts in January? Anyone at all?

Ah, yes, the tattooed gentleman at the back there with your hand up. You can help, you say? Why that’s fantastic news. And what’s your name? Lucas Podolski? That’s great, Lucas. Many thanks. And how exactly do you plan to prevent Arsenal losing Mesut Ozil for peanuts in January?

“Well,” Lucas replies sheepishly. “It’s quite complicated.”

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The Mirror explains that the Gunners could get assistance from an unlikely source – namely their former flop forward Podolski – as they attempt to fend off Inter Milan’s interest in contract rebel Ozil.

The Italian giants have confirmed they are considering a move for the playmaker, who is free to speak to foreign clubs in the New Year.

However, Inter president Erick Thohir has suggested he still bears the scars from the last time he signed a supposedly world class German international from the Gunners in the middle of winter.

“(Ozil) is definitely one of those players we are looking at, but the last January signings of Podolski and Shaqiri proves winter signings can fail to live up to expectations,” Thohir said, recalling with a shudder Podolski’s 2015 San Siro loan spell that brought one goal in 18 appearances.

And this is how Lucas Podolski, albeit very tenuously, can help out his old club. Simply through his own previous incompetence.

D Silva to leave Man City?

Another world class midfielder who could be on his way to the San Siro is Manchester City’s David Silva, who has been linked with AC Milan.

The Express says Pep Guardiola “could consider cashing in” on the Spaniard, who was reportedly not interested in signing a new Etihad deal over the summer and is “considering a future away from Manchester” after eight seasons at the club.

“My ultimate ambition is to play for Las Palmas,” Silva said during an interview in 2015. He shouldn’t have too much trouble getting in their team.

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Meanwhile, Paris Saint-Germain’s cunning plan to sign Kylian Mbappe on loan to avoid Financial Fair Play sanctions could backfire horribly, according to Bild.

The German tabloid says UEFA will count any future transfer fee for the teenage forward as part of this summer’s purchases. So ha.

Elsewhere, Marco Asensio has signed a new six-year contract at Real Madrid with a £442m release clause (Sun), Swansea, Brighton and Sunderland are keen on West Brom’s teenage forward Tyler Roberts (Mirror) and Holland and AC Milan legend Clarence Seedorf is a candidate to take over as the next manager of Oldham Athletic (Mirror).

But if you thought that was far-fetched, check out West Ham’s attempt to bring sacked Bayern Munich boss Carlo Ancelotti to the London Stadium (Mail).

@darlingkevin