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HOT FOOTBALL TRANSFER GOSSIP: Ronaldo, Neymar, Mane, Nolito

Imagine a Man Utd forward line of Cristiano Ronaldo and Neymar. Cool, right?

Now go to the kitchen cupboard, take out a family size packet of Cornflakes and hit yourself repeatedly and violently over the head with it until your mind is cleansed of that thing you just imagined.

It might not sound like wise advice but it’s for your own good, because Ed Woodward’s dream targets will not be coming to Old Trafford. Not now, and not ever, according to today’s Hot Football Transfer Gossip.

Let’s start with Ronaldo, who the Daily Mail explains – via the lips of his former manager Carlo Ancelotti – will never leave Real Madrid. “He will stay at Madrid until the end of his career,” predicts the Italian in news that will dampen the spirits of United and Paris Saint-Germain fans.

The prospect of a world-class arrival at Old Trafford doesn’t get any brighter when we turn to the Star, which reports that long-time Red Devils pipe dream target Neymar will pen a new deal at Barcelona “in the near future”. The Catalan club’s technical director Robert Fernandez hopes the Brazilian will “reach an agreement” with the club “this season”, clearing the way for Wayne Rooney to take as long as he wants to score his next goal.

But the Roonster may yet face competition up front from Sadio Mane, says the Express, after the Southampton man’s match-winning display against Chelsea apparently made the Old Trafford hierarchy wonder whether they should have bought him instead of Memphis Depay.

And if they had, Memphis might have ended up at Liverpool instead, after Brendan Rodgers spookily revealed from beyond the grave - in an interview evidently recorded before he was fired - that the Reds were interested in the Dutch forward this summer. “He came across as a good boy to me,” chirped Rodgers in happier times.

Having finally got over losing Cesc Fabregas, Arsenal are being linked with a player the Star says is “widely acknowledged to be the ‘next Cesc Fabregas’.” The youngster in question is Sergi Samper, a 20-year-old described by the tabloid as a midfield “enforcer”. So nothing like Fabregas then. Samper is apparently “very interested” in a move to London and is “believed to have an £8.5m release clause” in his current contract. The Star adds that Samper is a product of Barcelona’s “infamous La Masia academy”. And there was us thinking it was quite a good academy.

Gloomier news for the Gunners is that Barcelona have “refused to rule out” a move for Nolito, the in-form Celta Vigo forward who is apparently admired by Arsene Wenger. And while we’re on gloom, the man Newcastle have earmarked to save their season is Inter Milan’s substitute defender Andrea Ranocchia.

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