Being West Ham’s record signing might sound fancy, but it rarely turns out to be as fun as it should be. The last four men to attain this status have either ended up injured (Andy Carroll, Andre Ayew), ineffective (Matt Jarvis) or faking their own kidnapping in Thailand (Savio). So Olivier Giroud should be very, very careful.

The Telegraph reports that the Hammers are ready to break the bank to sign the Arsenal striker and make him “the most expensive player in their history”. He would also become their highest-paid player, with the Irons allegedly willing to match “or even marginally exceed” his £120,000-a-week salary.

It’s a flattering proposition for the Frenchman, who you sense has yearned to feel wanted throughout his Emirates career. But he may not be aware of the curse that traditionally afflicts east London’s most valuable men.

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The Star adds that West Ham want to sign Theo Walcott from Arsenal at the same time in a £50m double swoop. You could actually see them being crazy enough to do it, too.

Meanwhile, north London’s most expensive man – the £200m-rated Harry Kane – looks set to stay at Tottenham amid interest from Manchester United.

Not only that, the Sun says Spurs chairman Daniel Levy “will refuse to pick up the phone” to any club interested in bidding for the England striker – a “source” allegedly telling the tabloid, “Any club that wants to bid for Harry, we simply won’t even take the call.”

But when Levy’s phone rings, how will he know it’s a call about buying Kane? He might end up hanging up on Jose Mourinho when the United boss wants to offer him £35m for Moussa Sissoko. Silly.

Buy-back clause

In any case, United seem to have got the message about Kane, because the Express reports that they have already “completed” a deal to sign Real Madrid centre-forward Alvaro Morata.

The only reason they haven’t announced it, apparently, is because of that business about Cristiano Ronaldo maybe being available too. But he probably isn’t.

United also appear to be close to signing Nemanja Matic, who the Telegraph says will leave Chelsea for Old Trafford for £40m as soon as the Blues complete a £36m for Monaco midfielder Tiemoue Bakayoko. The paper describes Matic as Mourinho’s “third-choice” midfield option after he missed out on Eric Dier and Radja Nainggolan. Nice little confidence boost for the Serbian, there.

Chelsea have, meanwhile, included buy-back clauses in deals to sell Nathan Ake to Bournemouth for £20m and Bertrand Traore to Lyon for £16m – and will do so with all their departing youngsters – after forgetting to include one when they flogged Romelu Lukaku to Everton a few years ago. A mistake that is set to cost them up to £70m when they re-sign him from the Toffees this summer (Mail).

Elsewhere, the Blues are also keen on £35m-rated Sevilla winger Vitolo (Star), Diego Costa’s move to Atletico Madrid is “in jeopardy” after his former side started sniffing around Dortmund’s Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang as an alternative option (Star) and Riyad Mahrez will consider a move to Arsenal after growing “tired” of waiting for a rumoured offer from Barcelona (Sport). That guy should stop believing everything he reads in the papers.