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Hot Football Transfer Deadline Day Gossip: Wilshere to Palace, Luiz to Chelsea, Meyer to Tottenham, Pogba to Sunderland

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Some people believe transfer deadline day is a matter of life and death. Hot Football Transfer Gossip is very disappointed with that attitude. We can assure you it’s much, much more important than that.

With the short-term future happiness of millions of football fans hinging on whether their clubs can plug gaps in threadbare squads while offloading their expensive flops to someone stupid enough to buy them, today is in many ways bigger than Christmas, Brexit and World War Three all put together. That is roughly the level of importance the papers are assigning to it anyway.

And the hyperbole has been further fuelled by the surprise appearance of two of the game’s most loveable characters at the heart of the action. Jack Wilshere and David Luiz could be moving today and, whatever happens, it’s going to be funny.

Arsenal midfielder Wilshere has apparently received 22 offers in 24 hours after being put up for loan by the Gunners, although the proposals can’t have been that exciting because the Mirror says he’s going to end up at Crystal Palace.

The Sun makes the more encouraging suggestion that Wilshere will sign for AC Milan, who reportedly want to buy him for £30m at the end of the season, but it’s possible the player wrote that story himself.

As for Luiz, the Mail’s claim that Paris Saint-Germain’s PlayStation defender could be set for a £32m return to Chelsea brings great happiness to us all (except maybe N'Golo Kante), but the Standard doesn’t seem to think it’s a done deal.

According to the London paper, Luiz would need to hand in a transfer request to force a move, which he won’t do because he’s too nice.

Moussa Sissoko will be glued to Sky Sports News more than most today, but the wantaway Newcastle midfielder is unlikely to get his dream “Champions League” move unless the Magpies reduce their silly asking price of £35m.

The Mirror says the sum has already scared off Tottenham, who have instead turned their attention to 20-year-old German midfielder Max Meyer.

The Star reports that Spurs are set to submit a £38m bid for the Schalke star and offer him £130,000 a week, which is more than they pay anyone else so is almost certainly a lie.

More outrageous sums are being bandied about in the Mirror, which claims that West Brom have made a £32m swoop for Watford striker Odion Ighalo - a move that will be funded by Saido Berahino’s move away from the Hawthorns (to Stoke). Where have we heard that one before?

In a incredible twist, David Moyes has attempted to wreak spectacular revenge on Manchester United by signing Pogba. Sadly it is Florentin Pogba - the £89m man’s brother - who is set for a £6.5m move to Sunderland rather than Paul (Sun). It’s unclear whether Moyes is aware they are different people.

The Express reports that West Ham are looking to finalise a £12m deal for Enner Valencia, who you will note already plays for them, which possibly means that they are actually paying someone £12m to take him - namely Swansea, according to the report.

Another player whose club are desperate to get him out of the door, Bastian Schweinsteiger, has reportedly angered Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho by rejecting a move to Sporting Lisbon, saying, “It’s still my dream to play for United,” (Star) - as if Mourinho will ever let that happen again.

Elsewhere, Belgium midfielder Axel Witsel will sign for Juventus (Gazzetta dello Sport), Liverpool’s Mario Balotelli is allegedly wanted by French club Nice (Mirror) Spurs have rejected Wolfsburg’s £24m offer for Heung-Min Son (Sun) and - last but not least - Manchester City defender Eliaquim Mangala will move to Porto on a two-year loan deal (Manchester Evening News). Two-year loan deal! Pep Guardiola really doesn’t want to see his face for a while.

@darlingkevin