International break bingo: What are the all too familiar ingredients we await this weekend?

The international break is a familiar entity by now. You know the drill, high octane league football makes way for fixtures between tax havens and regressive states.

Even a Martin Tyler “AND IT’S LIVE” couldn’t turn Luxembourg vs Hungary into a spectacle to behold, and it certainly won’t make Viktor Orban a democrat anytime soon.

The appearance of top flight players doesn’t do much to improve this either. Paul Pogba will see his game against Moldova on Friday as a good opportunity to make some more Youtube content. Cristiano Ronaldo only has to get out of bed to guarantee a brace against half of his opponents.

Spain will have 85 per cent possession against Norway. We’ve seen every Top Gear episode on Dave, and we’ve seen every Euro qualifying round on Sky Sports.

This is the only consolation surrounding the whole thing. The football is poor, but at least we can tell you precisely how poor, and what specific type of poor. With that said, here’s everything that will inevitably make an appearance over the international break this weekend.

Premier League manager is fuming because one his players gets injured/plays too much over the break

Mauricio Pochettino is slumped on the desk as he’s asked about team news after the international break. His stubble accompanied by an aggrieved look paints a picture of melancholy. Harry Kane and Christian Eriksen have returned from games in Bulgaria and Azerbaijan with knocks.

Poch had quite clearly told their international coaches “no more than 60 minutes”. They ignored him, and now he is fuming. It’s a classic of the genre, the bread and butter of international football.

Big names get injured and it’s their clubs who pay the price. Keep your eyes firmly on Premier League players this weekend, because someone isn’t making it out unscathed, and press conferences the following week will be full of groans.

San Marino’s 4-6-0 formation

You can hardly blame them. Their record speaks for itself. San Marino go into every game with a mountain to climb, and as a result they don’t hesitate to shut up shop.

Of course it almost never works, but losing 2-0 is better for the self-esteem than shipping 12 in your own backyard. Then again, if there was ever a time to start playing more ambitiously, it’s now. They play Scotland on Sunday, an opportunity to record a first ever win in qualifying that may simply never come round again.

“Difficult place to go” and “hostile atmosphere”

There is a pattern here. When England go to Montenegro on Monday, pundits, presenters and the enigmatic man who has been stood next to the fruit machine for three hours will tell you “Montenegro, difficult place to go”.

Or for variety’s sake, they will laud its “hostile atmosphere”. These buzz-terms basically just translate to “I wouldn’t go on holiday there”. An alternative translation: “their fans are loud”. So rest assured Southgate and co, you won’t need a riot shield on the pitch in Podgorica. But maybe bring some ear plugs.

Population stats

Another staple ingredient. Always preceded by the classic ‘did you know…’ and usually acclaimed with ‘great stat’.

After the World Cup this summer you will have surely told that girl you’re chatting to at the bar that Iceland has a population of just 338,000, roughly the same as Bradford. If that didn’t work you surely earned her undying love when you told her that Scotland’s next opponents San Marino have a population of just 33,000.

Incredible. Most of us understand that small nations play football. Commentators will soon catch on.

Athletics tracks

This doesn’t just include the biggies, like Germany’s Olympiastadion or Italy’s Stadio Olympico. Gibraltar, Albania, Kosovo and more play their games within athletics purposed bowls. It’s yet to be confirmed whether these countries all play their home games in the same ground.

We suspect they do. We should probably send our commiserations to Albanian West Ham fans, who have never seen a game of football without the use of binoculars.

3G pitches

This one is fun because it makes professional football seem within arms’ reach for us casual players. I’ve played on 3G, you’ve played on 3G, and so do the likes of Lithuania and Andorra. Watching the pros struggle to get to grips with the orbit entering bounce and leg shredding surface gives us viewers a rare chance to look on with smugness.

‘Their striker is a milkman’

Breaking news: San Marino’s squad is comprised of semi-pros who require alternative ways of earning a living to stay afloat.

Their squad is comprised of a policeman, a milkman, a teacher and a man who works in a ceramic shop. You knew that, and in case you’d forgotten, you’ll be reminded on Sunday when they play Scotland.

Future of English football

And finally, inevitably, we come to England. In every new squad there’s an up and coming talent, who is “the future of English football” until he’s playing in the Championship 12 months later. Wayne Rooney is probably to blame for this one: the original ‘boy wonder’.

Jadon Sancho has taken the mantle this time round, and to be fair his talent is undeniable. Good job English football fans don’t have a history of prematurely putting unnecessary pressure on young players during the early stages of their career then.