Advertisement

Luis Suárez and what could turn out to be a full circle of failure

<span>Photograph: Crocchioni/EPA</span>
Photograph: Crocchioni/EPA

A BIG WEEK FOR PERUGIA

It is just a week since Luis Suárez rocked up in Perugia to take the Italian test that could secure his European passport and, with it, a move to Juventus. Somehow Barcelona’s cunning linguist convinced his examiners that he deserved to pass, but now there are more questions being asked in the picturesque Umbrian hill town after it emerged that in fact the last genuine Italian to come out of Suárez’s mouth was Giorgio Chiellini in 2014.

This is a scandal that revolves around one person not speaking enough Italian, and another speaking too much. Somehow the public prosecutor has got wind of a few things Suárez’s personal tutor – helpfully also the director for Perugia’s centre for linguistic certification – reportedly let slip about her star student, such as: “He barely speaks a word, he can’t even conjugate verbs” and “Might pass? He has to pass, you don’t chuck out someone on €10m a year just because he can’t get a certificate.” Though Perugia’s University for Foreigners insisted on Tuesday that “correct examination procedures were followed” and “the authenticity of the process will become clear at the end of the investigation”, the city’s chief prosecutor – who has been poking around their affairs since February – is alleging a conspiracy.

Related: Italian police investigate claims Luis Suárez's citizenship exam was rigged

According to Perugia’s primary prosecutor, Raffaele Cantone, not only did Suárez turn up for his exam already knowing what he was going to be asked, but his examiners turned up already knowing what mark they were going to give him. Yet perhaps the funniest thing about this entire episode – if the allegations prove correct – is that examiners didn’t adequately hide their failure to adequately test Suárez on the Italian he didn’t adequately learn in an effort to facilitate a transfer that isn’t even actually happening. It is a full circle of failure. What Cantone is suggesting is that of the crucial elements of the story – Suárez’s Italian, the exam to test it and the transfer that would follow – not one of them was real. Even the visit of Boris Johnson revealed in the press release Perugia Airport put out following Suárez’s visit for his test wasn’t real. The entire business sounds like the most ridiculous combination of deceit and incompetence that has come to The Fiver’s attention since, well, all right, there’s a lot of deceit and incompetence about, but that wouldn’t make it OK.

The imaginary cherry atop this fake cake is the suggestion that Suárez was issued with the all-important intermediate B1 qualification after a test lasting just 15 minutes, while others sitting the same test on the same day (albeit in Rome) were subjected to an additional written paper lasting fully two-and-a-half hours. This entire plot is the kind of half-ar$ed, knocked-out-in-a-rush nonsense, entirely lacking even basic quality control, that Fiver readers must find both infuriating and also strangely familiar.

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE

Join Michael Butler from 8.15pm BST for hot MBM coverage of Luton Town 1-3 Manchester United in the Coca-Cola Cup.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“He is not sharp, he behaves with the Oranje and Liverpool like the finished star, the great coaching leader, who shows a little too much that he does not like his fellow players. At the same time, he plays lazy and nonchalant himself. He makes mistakes and often runs away from defensive handiwork in matches” – former Netherlands international Wim Kieft removes himself from Virgil van Dijk’s Christmas card list in spectacular fashion with this hot take on the defender.

RECOMMENDED LOOKING

It’s your boy, David Squires, on Gareth Bale’s second coming at Spurs. And you can get your very own copy here.

RECOMMENDED LISTENING

Get your ears around the Football Weekly podcast, right here. And like buses of yore, here’s another.

FIVER LETTER

“Wolves looked to be lacking something in Monday night’s defeat to Manchester City. That said, I’m not sure if one man would have made a Jota difference” – John Myles.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … John Myles.

NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

The planned return of fans to grounds in England from 1 October has been put on hold after Boris Johnson announced new restrictions to help curb the spread of coronavirus that were about as clear and helpful as this Bob.

It’s back to behind closed doors.
It’s back to behind closed doors. Photograph: Catherine Ivill/Getty Images

Barely 90 minutes before kick-off, Leyton Orient’s Milk Cup tie with Tottenham has been called off after a number of the League Two side’s squad tested positive for Covid-19.

The FA’s cost-cutting strategy is going to tackle the grossly disproportionate top-en … oh, it’s going to tackle grassroots and futsal.

Les Ferdinand has defended QPR’s decision to stop taking a knee before matches. “[It] has reached a point of ‘good PR’ but little more than that,” said Ferdinand. “The message has been lost. It is now not dissimilar to a fancy hashtag or a nice pin badge.”

West Brom manager Slaven Bilic has been charged with “improper conduct” after being Mike Deaned at Everton.

Rennes goalkeeper Edward Mendy is just a cough from the doctor away from putting Kepa Arrizabalaga out of his Chelsea misery.

In more red-hot stopper news, Emiliano Martínez says saving a penalty on his debut to secure Aston Villa’s 1-0 win over Sheffield United was like “scoring a hat-trick”. How would he know?

And it looks like Hector Bellerín might finally be ready to drop his debut album.

STILL WANT MORE?

Edwin van der Sar gets his chat on with David Hytner about Ajax’s place in the scheme of things and how he wants them to be everyone’s second love.

Big Ed VdS.
Big Ed VdS. Photograph: Aflo/Rex/Shutterstock

A golden goal to savour: Simon Burnton travels back to 1982 to tell the story surrounding Lakhdar Belloumi’s goal in Algeria’s famous World Cup win over West Germany.

Jonathan Liew communes with nature, lies back on the grass, inhales deeply and says beleaguered keeper Kepa Arizzabalaga can learn like the goldfinches.

Jamie Jackson alliteratively reflects on how Manchester City wobbled and wowed at Wolves.

Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!

NOTE TO SELF: BULK-ORDER MORE TIN