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Manchester United fans need a reality check – here are the worst clubs to support right now
Around 15 years ago, during Sir Alex Ferguson’s third imperial phase, a Manchester United fan told me he no longer enjoyed league games. Winning them, he said, brought only relief. Anything less made him miserable, so the season only became meaningful during the knockout stages of the Champions League. There is only one possible response to this in 2023: laughter.
The sarcastic sort if you support United and deep guffaws for the rest of us. In that United fan’s defence, supporting a big team is rarely much fun. Theirs is a world of emotional insurance bets against their own side, imagined conspiracies at every turn and attritional social media banter with teenagers in the Far East. They will never know the rare thrill of spotting a fellow fan in the wild. They can keep their trophies.
The true joy of football is in exceeded expectations. Nothing feels as good to a British fan as a downtrodden team finally getting their act together.
In that spirit, here are the current worst teams to support of the 92 league clubs - and some of the best.
THE FIVE WORST
If promotion to the top flight is among the best possible moments for most clubs, then bombing out with a whimper and getting beaten every week is the ultimate buzzkill. Things are going so badly for Sheffield United that there is talk of beating Derby’s 2007-08 record low points total of 11. You can already foresee a struggle in the Championship next season.
4. Cheltenham Town
One of those curious British towns better known for a non-football sport, but unlike fans of Team Bath or the North Bucks & District League’s Silverstone FC, Cheltenham Town have the disgrace of being eclipsed by four days of horsies. Eleven games played so far: one draw and 10 defeats. Oof.
3. Everton
Might have made this top five any time since the departure of Carlo Ancelotti or, let’s face it, David Moyes. Dreadfully run, delayed new stadium, looming threat of tedious court battle. Grim, grim, grim.
2. Sheffield Wednesday
Another Sheffield team promoted last season, another club in tatters. Worst start in their history, chairman fond of verbose official website statements and, worst of all given his connections, there is mischievous talk of Neil Warnock replacing Xisco Munoz.
1. Reading
Never great to reach the mass object-throwing point of ownership protests; hundreds of tennis balls have held up their last two home games. Never great to struggle with paying players on time. Never great to have a four-point deduction. There is at least the possibility of a club bonding together to triumph over adversity, but that currently looks as likely as a repeat of their 106-point record season.
Bubbling under
Wigan have even more points deducted than Reading (eight) and an under-powered squad but some signs of long-term hope under a new owner. QPR are in the process of grinding down club hero Gareth Ainsworth until all that remains are his red snakeskin boots and have won a grand total of one (one!) home game in their past 20 (twenty!).
Chelsea might have turned a corner and are in benefit-of-the-doubt mode given injuries, Mauricio Pochettino, and the nice luminous emblem on their shirts. Sutton are already looking mildly doomed in League Two but medium-term fans of theirs will remember relegation into the seventh tier. Manchester United, clearly, are ineligible for another 10 years at least given the heights of their previous 30.
The five best
5. Aston Villa
Something both satisfying and surprising about Villa’s arc, scrapping to stay up after promotion in 2019, selling their best player, messing around with Steven Gerrard for a bit and now looking like European dark horses again under Unai Emery. They are, as the Spanish say, el gigante dormido despierto, the woken sleeping giant. N.B. the Spanish do not actually say this.
4. Stockport County
Fell as low as the Conference North at their nadir and really suffered with six seasons of trips to your Guisleys, your Spennymoors, your Alfretons. Now being run with smarts and, more importantly, investment by Mark Stott - a man described as “Stockport’s most successful businessman ever”. Take that, generations of hatmakers.
A sense they had already reached their less enjoyable expectation phase at the beginning of the season but have reached new heights by tonking Sheffield United 8-0, seeing off Manchester City in League Cup and the thrilling defeat of Paris Saint-Germain. We’re going to need a bigger Sam Fender.
Emphatically riding the vibe train under Ange Postecoglou. Even if it all goes wrong, as it surely might, they will always have this glorious first few months. Feels like the club has re-found its identity, rediscovered joy and all it took was selling Harry Kane.
1. Ipswich Town
Hopelessly doldrummed since relegation from the Premier League in 2002 and subsequent spell in third tier. Finally promoted last year and now enjoying surreal world-beating football rarely glimpsed since the glory days of John Wark or, to a lesser extent, James Scowcroft. Manager might be amazing. Still one the country’s best stadiums. Long may it continue.
Bubbling under
Leicester are on for an always-fun triple-pointed instant-bounceback parachute-tastic, Championship-championship, Preston have been stuck in that league since roughly the Jurassic period and might have a chance of escape under Ryan Lowe, Sunderland have a renewed sense of purpose after years of drift.
The top of League One features three clubs who have weathered hard times Portsmouth are back, back back and have won four in a row. Oxford are not far behind, another team you (and they) would love to see back in the second tier. Bolton are finally on the up again, less-heralded Stevenage not far behind. Notts County are on for delicious consecutive promotions, have an unbeatable Top Trump of a formation date and Juventus copied their kit. What’s not to like?
Brighton get to feel smug about how brilliantly run they are but, sacrilege alert, might their 6-1 defeat by Villa at the weekend be the start of a downward curve? Supporting Arsenal, even when this good, just seems stressful. Man City are technically “the best” team in the country but even some of their fans must now feel that is a “bit boring”.
