Yahoo Sport 
Not quite Welcome to Hell, more a town on the outskirts of Hades
WALES, ENGLAND, SCOTLAND. IN THAT ORDER
As top footer fan Boris Johnson is well aware, Scotland, England and Other Home Nations all booked their tickets to the big EN 2020 cross-continental jamboree. Much like the prime minister, The Fiver has been busy on Social Media Disgrace WhatsTok, keeping in touch with our Pobol y Cwm-watching, rugby-appreciating Welsh cousin Llanfair PG Fiver (Shortbread McFiver mysteriously left the group chat at 3.10pm on Monday). We think the indecipherable clump of emojis and expletives Llanfair PG Fiver posted from Baku on Wednesday night was meant as an emotional tribute to Wales’s thrilling victory, but we can’t be sure.
Turkey may have turned out to be more carthorses than dark horses, with an offside line as efficient and well-drilled as GB News’s team of technical backroom boffins, but Wales produced a display of swagger and steel not in keeping with their flamin’ Socceroo-styled shirts. They did so despite playing inside a partisan enormodome with not one but two stony-faced authoritarian rulers gazing down from the gods. Not quite Welcome to Hell, but a satellite town on the outskirts of Hades at least. From deep in the cauldron, Gareth Bale felt relaxed enough to work on his approach game, chipping effortlessly on to Aaron Ramsey’s chest for Wales’ opener before five-wooding a penalty over a distant huddle of away fans and into the Caspian Sea.
Related: ‘No fear, no pressure’: Wales head to Italy aiming to upset the odds again | Ben Fisher
Would another missed spot-kick come to haunt Wales fans? Not this time. With time ticking down and the ball in the corner, Bale turned and ran straight at the jelly-legged defenders stationed on the byline. He won a corner and immediately tried the same trick, slaloming through and teeing up Connor Roberts for the clincher. Oh, Turkey! What would Barry Davies say? Speaking of which, Italy became the first team to secure progress to EN 2020’s labyrinthine knockout stages with a full-throttle 3-0 win over Switzerland in Rome. In bad news for every other team, the Azzurri appear to have discovered the joys of attacking, high pressing and starting a major tournament in decent nick.
Italy will be favourites to win Sunday’s battle to top Group A, but as mighty defensive oak tree Chris Mepham put it, Wales “have nothing to fear”. They are a truly rare beast: a British team who, unlike Llanfair PG Fiver, always bring the best version of themselves to a major tournament. Time to add our Italian cousin, scooter-riding, espresso-sipping Ciao Bella Fiver, to the group chat. Don’t take us home!
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
The Euros blog is here, while Niall McVeigh will be on hand for hot MBM coverage of Ukraine 2-0 North Macedonia at 2pm (all times BST), followed by Barry Glendenning on Denmark 1-2 Belgium at 5pm and Rob Smyth with Netherlands 1-1 Austria at 8pm.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“People used to infer that I had something wrong with my mouth, that I was covering something up, but that’s not true. I keep threatening to take it off but my pals say ‘it wouldn’t be you’ if I got rid” – Des Lynam gets his chat on with Michael Butler about his facial fuzz, a shy Gary Lineker and how it felt to anchor coverage of England at home 25 years ago.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Football Daily at EN 2020: here’s the latest episode.
FIVER LETTERS
“This is the email I never thought I’d type. While I still despise the system with every fibre of my being, I have to say that, so far, I have been quite impressed by how unobtrusive VAR has been in the Euros. Perhaps the self-proclaimed Best League in the World™ should have a word with the organisers to see how it should really be operated” – Alistair Moffat.
“The recent Giroud v Mbappé tiff reminds me of the time I was a young schoolboy in the playground. I also got mad at my classmates because they wouldn’t pass the ball to me. I now realise it was because I was totally [Snip – Fiver Bad Word Ed]. Hence Mbappé is playing in Euro Not 2020 while I spend my idol hours writing to The Fiver in the hope of get my letters published” – Gerry Rickard.
“You noted the flurry of excitement as Coca-Cola’s share price tanked after Cristiano Ronaldo eschewed their famous product for boring old water (yesterday’s News, Bits and Bobs). However, those of us long enough in the tooth will remember that he is not the first football celebrity to seemingly move markets by dint of their gastronomic behaviours. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Norwich City’s iconic majority shareholder and the ‘Delia effect’: according to this, she ‘generated a national cranberry shortage in 1995, a rush for white eggs in 1999, for North Wales sea salt in 2000 and for prunes in 2002’. Our Delia probably can’t boast 300 million Instachat followers, but she was probably moving markets before Ronaldo was even born” – Allastair McGillivray.
“Credit where it’s due and all that, but could Ronaldo also please utter two words about our problem with plastic?” – Patrick O’Brien.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Patrick O’Brien.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Denmark’s Christian Eriksen is to be fitted with a heart starter, in the wake of his collapse against Finland. “This device is necessary after cardiac attack due to rhythm disturbances,” said team doctor Morten Boesen.
Austria forward Marko Arnautovic will spend one game of Uefa’s naughty step after being found guilty of insulting North Macedonia’s Ezgjan Alijoski during their opening match.
Switzerland keeper Yann Sommer could miss Sunday’s vital Group A clash with Turkey after leaving the squad to attend the birth of his second child.
England’s Harry Maguire could be back to face Scotland after declaring himself fit. “I feel good,” he do-do-do-do-do-do-doed. “I’ve done a few sessions now and I feel like my fitness is there.”
And Spain’s response to their sluggish stalemate with Sweden has been to give players advanced physiotherapy and fancy €40,000 beds to aid their recovery.
NON-EUROS BUSINESS
After 16 seasons, 671 games, 101 goals, five league titles, four Big Cups and 26 red cards, Sergio Ramos is doing one from Real Madrid.
Ooh, this could be fun: Rafa Benítez is hoping to receive a formal offer to become Everton’s new manager after holding positive talks with the club.
And sometimes maybe good, mainly maybe … Gennaro Gattuso has been mutually consented from Fiorentina after just 22 days in the gig.
STILL WANT MORE?
Before Friday’s England v Scotland game, Callum McGregor tells Ewan Murray: “Notts County gave Jack Grealish and me a real education.” Meanwhile, squadmate Kieran Tierney is desperate to get 50-50 odds of making the game tipped in his favour.
Andy Hunter on a fizzy cameo that highlighted Renato Sanches’ career rehabilitation.
Classic YouTube features England v Scotland memories and a Haitian horror show.
All the moves in the women’s and men’s summer transfer windows.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
