Premier League HOT or NOT

What’s sexy, and what’s not sexy, in football this week…

HOT

LVG
He might have a negative football mentality, an unhappy changing room and a funny-shaped head, but this weekend is Louis van Gaal’s moment of vindication. Manchester United are back at the top of the Premier League for the first time since the days of Sir Alex Ferguson (we’re not counting David Moyes being top after one game of the season, sorry Moyesy) and the Dutchman is now armed with the best possible riposte to his many detractors. No one is suggesting a team with Antonio Valencia at right-back is destined for the title, but it is a little reminder that LVG has won these things in three other countries before. For one week at least, he can bask in his own glory.

Yoof
As a football fan, there is literally nothing more exciting than the sight of a promising youngster breaking into your team and playing well. So for Tottenham supporters, Saturday’s demolition of Manchester City was like attending an orgy where all the participants are so beautiful you simply don’t know where to start. With Dele Alli (19), Eric Dier (21) and even the much-maligned Erik Lamela (23) providing penetration from midfield, not to mention 22-year-old Harry Kane sticking it in for the first time this season, the eye-catching 4-1 victory was proof you can win anything with kids. At an average age of 24 years and 40 days, Mauricio Pochettino’s starting line-up was the youngest in the Premier League this season. Highly sexy football.

Pigeons
Most footballers are too vain to be seen in public with a mangy, wretched bird on their arm, but Norwich midfielder Jonny Howson proved he is different when he rescued a bewildered pigeon from the pitch during Saturday’s draw at West Ham. The 27-year-old Canary, possibly acting out of some kind of weird bird solidarity, caressed the winged rat as he carried it to the sidelines, where it was safe from being accidentally booted in the head by Winston Reid. “Jonny’s from Yorkshire so he’s a good boy and he looks after wildlife,” explained his manager Alex Neil. Now Howson just needs to make sure Delia Smith doesn’t get her hands on the bird and put into one of her famous Carrow Road pies.

NOT

Goal droughts
Wayne Rooney, Harry Kane, Alexis Sanchez, Daniel Sturridge… you’re not rubbish anymore. For a while it seemed as if the league’s top marksmen had got bored with challenging for the golden boot, and were instead having an intense personal battle to see who could finish lowest in the goalscoring charts, just for a laugh. But after Kane broke his duck against Man City in the early kick-off, it was as if the rest of the misfiring strikers decided en masse that goal droughts were so last summer. Sanchez, Rooney and Sturridge bagged six goals between them in a goal-festy 46-minute spell on Saturday. Drawing blanks is officially out of fashion, and scoring goals is back in. Unfortunately, Radamel Falcao didn’t get the memo. Awkward.

Goalkeepers
“Clean sheet!” Kasper Schmeichel would have yelled at himself in the changing room as he psyched himself up for Leicester’s clash against Arsenal at the King Power Stadium. Five Gunners goals later, he was sheepishly trudging back. But it wasn’t just him. This was a scenario repeated across the Premier League, as goalkeeper after goalkeeper failed to prevent balls entering their nets. Saturday’s 35-goal bonanza was great news for everyone except the men conceding them, with 15 out of 16 goalies failing to keep a clean sheet. The only one who managed it was David de Gea, but he was playing Sunderland so it doesn’t really count.

Gomis
It may seem unfair to pick out one underperforming player from a whole weekend’s worth of football, but Bafetimbi Gomis’ display against Southampton merits a special mention. The Frenchman appeared to be enacting a one-man dramatisation of Swansea’s sudden slump in form through the medium of interpretive dance during the 3-1 defeat at St Mary’s. He spent the match jinking about, jumping up and down - rarely while touching the ball - and distractedly wandering offside as if his mind was in a creative frenzy disconnected to the game. Gomis has been having an outstanding season, but he was hauled off at half-time by Garry Monk after touching the ball 11 times in 45 minutes, and never in a good way. Plus, his name begins with G like goal droughts and goalkeepers.

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