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Premier League HOT or NOT: Crying, Fosu-Mensah, Sakho, Rodwell

What’s very sexy, and what isn’t, in football this week…

HOT

Crying
There are a handful of circumstances in which it’s deemed acceptable for a grown man to sob in public; e.g. funerals, births, finding out your wife’s having an affair with John Terry. But you now can add 68th-minute winners against Norwich City to that list, after tattooed tough guy Jason Puncheon cried like a baby following his first goal in 11 months as Crystal Palace edged out the Canaries 1-0. Meanwhile, sensitive Italian Claudio Ranieri was also seen welling up on the pitch after his Leicester side won at Sunderland, although that could just be because he has to buy them clean-sheet pizzas for the fifth game in a row.

Steve Cook
Just when you thought this crazy Premier League season couldn’t get any crazier, Bournemouth’s centre-back pops up to score with a back-heeled flick that Neymar would be proud of. The set piece leading to the cheeky finish by Cook, who was let go by Brighton for £150,000 four years ago, was apparently something the Cherries had been practising on the training ground. But that doesn’t really justify such flamboyance. What kind of pre-planned training ground move ends with Steve Cook scoring with a back-heel?? The only plausible explanation is that beating Aston Villa has become so easy that their opponents are dreaming up funnier ways to do it, just to keep things interesting.

Timothy Fosu-Mensah
It doesn’t take much to be Manchester United’s best outfield player these days, and it appears their 18-year-old defender has already achieved this status after making just two starts for the club. The teenage Dutchman single-handedly kept Tottenham at bay with a couple of goal-saving blocks at White Hart Lane on Sunday, but his 68th-minute departure due to injury triggered a spectacular defensive collapse. Within two minutes, Louis van Gaal’s side were behind, and in the end they were lucky to lose just 3-0. Ed Woodward is already rumoured to have offered TFM a £300,000-a-week contract and the club captaincy.

NOT

Steven Taylor
As a born-and-bred Geordie and Newcastle United’s longest-serving player, centre-back Taylor could be viewed as the walking embodiment of the club. Unfortunately, he fulfilled this status a little too literally against Southampton on Saturday with a woeful defensive display that perfectly encapsulated why the Magpies are probably going down. Taylor was brutally bamboozled by Shane Long for Saints’ first goal, almost conceded another with an under-hit backpass and then - most embarrassingly of all - was accused of having “almost a 50 pence piece head” by Martin Keown on Match of the Day. Almost? The poor guy can’t even lay claim to having a proper 50 pence piece head.

Diafra Sakho
The West Ham striker was so affronted to learn he was being replaced by Andy Carroll for the Hammers’ match against Arsenal that he allegedly declared himself injured, stormed out of training, sent an angry Snapchat at four in the morning and then didn’t bother turning up at Upton Park to watch the game. Which was probably for the best, because Carroll scored a majestic hat-trick that fully justified Slaven Bilic’s decision to pick him, while making Sakho’s fake injury, training walkout and angry Snapchat look even sillier than they did already. The Senegalese now faces the choice of apologising or waiting for Carroll to get injured, both of which seem sensible options.

Jack Rodwell
The way the midfielder’s career was mapped out in its early days, when he was Everton’s most promising youngster since Wayne Rooney, he should have been looking forward to a key role at Euro 2016 for England just about now. Instead, he’s playing a bit-part role in Sunderland’s relegation battle - although his contribution this weekend could be significant at both ends of the table. Finding himself all alone seven yards from goal with the Black Cats trailing Leicester 1-0 late in the game, Rodwell was presented with a golden chance to gain his side a vital point while also rejuvenating Tottenham’s title challenge, but he ballooned the effort over the bar. To be fair to him, it was a bit Rooney-esque.

@darlingkevin