How to speak golf commentator at the Open

What a singular breed they are, these men and women of televised golf. 

Hushed and whispering from behind a bush, or striding informatively up  the 4th fairway, or stretched out expansively in their chat suite  while something happens with a hologram, the broadcasters, pundits and  presenters of golf live a grand old life, and they have a language all  of their own. 

Here are some of the phrases to keep an eye out for on  this week’s coverage… 

“Let’s check it out with our birdie in the sky” 

Heralds the arrival of Wayne 'Radar' Riley, Sky’s man who walks and  profiles each hole of the course. He’s Australian. Extremely  Australian. Look forward to lots of information, lots of shouting, and  the sense that he could get a second job calling the finishes of big  horse races if the golf course guiding ever dries up.  So much energy,  so much knowledge: and all of it apparently yelled so that the  helicopter pilot can hear him. 

“I never leave the house without doing 55,000 push-ups” 

Put down that biscuit, get off the sofa, you’re not here to enjoy  yourself: here’s Gary Player with an anecdote about his terrifying  fitness regime. 

“Wonderful Young Man” 

Signifier that the great Butch Harmon is about to talk about somebody  he knows, has coached, has advised or is related to. 

This is everyone  in America under about 50 who has ever held a golf club, and Butch  seems to think a lot of all of them, which reflects well on him as a  person and a mentor. Woe betide the young golfer not assessed as a  wonderful young man. 

“You have to know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em” 

It can only be the Country and Western infused stylings of Paul  McGinley: analyst, lyricist, Rory McIlory cheerleaderist, here giving  his advice to young Rory about when to attack the course. 

“Trousers full of legs, my mum would have said” 

Sign that an anecdote unburdened by the creep of political correctness  is about to unfold, very possibly involving someone who almost won the  Open in the year of our Lord 1376, and most likely featuring an  actress and a bishop as well. It can only be the one, the only, the  immortal (increasingly seemingly literally) Peter Alliss. 

Any mention of burgers, bacon, fried onions  Sure indicator that Richard Boxall is on his tireless trudge around  the course, being goaded by both delicious smells and his co-workers. 

“Modern Yardage Book” 

A pet favourite phrase of the BBC’s delightful Ken Brown, whose  avuncular, dignified manner fits so perfectly with the ancient game in  Scotland. Brown has carved himself out a niche in sports TV legend for  his ‘Ken on the Course’ sections, and no golf Major has really begun  until you’ve watched Ken roll a golf ball down a slope and watch, with  the wide-eyed delight of a child being shown a conjuring trick for the  first time, as it slides away downhill. Gravity, eh? Amazing. Well,  well. 

Mention of burn, trousers, water, etc 

It will mean the contribution of Jean van de Velde, a lovely character  and an excellent signing by Sky, as we all have to relive once more  the sporting horror of the poor chap losing the plot big-style on the  last hole back in 1999 here. A very welcome addition, just don’t let  him near the water.