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Splicing footage of Kim Jong-il over Matt Le Tissier's YouTube best bits
A BOLD KOREA MOVE
With no fans or visiting media present in the stadium and a TV blackout imposed, the world’s most daily football email struggled to find out who won this week’s World Cup qualifier between North and South Korea. As luck would have it, our [REDACTED]-dwelling, [REDACTED]-designing, [REDACTED]-testing North Korean cousin [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] Fiver got in touch to bring us news of a historic and truly emphatic victory for his nation’s team. A mid-ranking government propagandist, [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] Fiver revealed that the Hermit Kingdom had beaten their hated neighbours 34-0 at Pyongyang’s Kim Il-sung Stadium, with one-time Dear Leader Kim Jong-il scoring no fewer than five hat-tricks, despite having passed away almost eight years ago.
What’s more, enthused our ridiculously patriotic cousin, despite the blackout, football fans everywhere will be able to witness this glorious triumph just as soon as the North Korean government’s FX department has performed the necessary splicing and dicing of Matt Le Tissier’s YouTube best bits and super-imposed Kim’s face over that of the former Southampton legend for a commemorative DVD.
Related: North Korea played like it was 'waging war' in Pyongyang match, says South
Having been forced to deny accusations they had tried to poison North Korea’s players before a previous encounter between the two countries, who are still technically at war, this time around South Korea claimed they hadn’t been beaten and brazenly boasted they had actually held their opponents to a scoreless draw. “It’s too bad that we didn’t win, but the match was very aggressive to a degree that I think it’s a huge achievement just to return safely without being injured,” captain Son Heung-min told reporters, before heading back to London to prepare for Tottenham’s defeat at the hands of Watford. “North Korean players were sensitive and aggressive. There was a lot of severe swearing.”
While Son did not specify who exactly it was that was effing and jeffing severely, the smart money suggests his Portuguese manager Paulo Bento was definitely among those turning the air blue. “It wasn’t a good match at all,” he fumed. “We didn’t execute what we’d prepared.” By contrast, according to [REDACTED] [REDACTED] REDACTED] Fiver, North Korea executed their team orders to perfection. Which is just as well really, as history suggests failure to do so might well have resulted in serious post-match repercussions for the guilty parties.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I remember the Brighton fans singing: ‘Seagulls! Seagulls!’ despite the scoreline. And the Liverpool fans responded: ‘Seaweed! Seaweed!’ Scouse humour, huh?” – Ralf Rangnick gets his chat on with Ben Lyttleton about the philosophy that has made him so sought-after, plus his time on the south coast at Sussex University.
FIVER LETTERS
“Yesterday’s Fiver actually provided the perfect antidote to its own moans about having to suffer the abject anti-football served up by Mick McCarthy’s O’Ireland 2.0. You mentioned in Bits and Bobs the ‘footballing feast’ served up by Koreas North and South in their 0-0 World Cup qualifier played in front of no fans or foreign media. So we could go from famine to feast just by closing the doors. I’m sure you lot in the English media would back the idea of not having to watch the Republic; I know the Irish fans certainly would” – Justin Kavanagh.
“As a long-suffering supporter of misery’s Vancouver Canucks, I took particular joy in the aftermath of Canada’s glorious 2-0 thrashing of USA! USA!! USA!!! this Tuesday past. I couldn’t help but giggle in recognition as a Canadian triumph was met with calls for the opposing gaffer’s head. Many NHL teams over the years have reacted similarly after (historically rare) losses at the hands of my beloved Canucks. It truly is a hallmark of consistent futility” – Angus MacLean.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letters o’the day is … Justin Kavanagh, who wins a copy of Per Mertesacker: Big Friendly German. We’ve one more to give away.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
A special edition of Football Weekly can be found right here, while Extra will be around here later.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Mesut Özil has spoken for the first time about being at the centre of an attempted carjacking alongside his wife Amine and Arsenal teammate Sead Kolasinac. “I was scared about my wife,” he said. “I was scared about Sead. I wasn’t thinking about myself.”
Former England footballer Paul Gascoigne has been found not guilty of sexually assaulting a woman he kissed on a train. Leaving the dock, he said: “Thank you, your honour, thank you to the jury, and thank you to my dentist.”
Busy La Liga suits fancy having another poke at the bear that is regular-season games in Miami. This time it’s Villarreal v Atlético Madrid on 6 December in their sights. “We hope that this time we can carry out this positive action for everyone, as other leagues like the NFL or the NBA do when they stage matches overseas,” parped Javier Teba$.
Manchester City boss Nick Cushing isn’t sweating, despite a late Atlético Madrid goal holding his team to a 1-1 draw in their Women’s Big Cup first leg. “The away goal means zero,” he tooted, incorrectly. “We had it last year and got beat. I think the away goals only really matter if you score again in the second leg.” Arsenal won 5-2 at Slavia Prague, while Glasgow City beat Brøndby 2-0 on the road.
Sunderland’s new manager is Phil Parkinson. “Sunderland’s immense history [tick – Fiver Ed], the passion of its fanbase [tick – Fiver Ed] and its wonderful facilities are legendary within the game [tickety-tick-tick – Fiver Ed],” he cheered.
Colombian players will go on strike in a long-standing dispute over working conditions. “When your employers don’t listen to your demands the law allows you to use this mechanism to pressure them into listening,” tooted Carlos Gonzalez of the players’ union, Acolfutpro.
And from the Fun and Games in South America Dept: an angry politician in Rio de Janeiro wants to ban Flamengo from using VAR. “Football brings joy to people and the VAR is spoiling it for everybody,” sniffed Antonio de Azevedo. “We know what time the game starts but we no longer know when it will end because the VAR takes up so much time. The goals go in and we have to wait before we can celebrate.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Liverpool have leaders on the field, Manchester United do not, says Eni Aluko in her latest column, while Rob Smyth muses that Big Ole needs more time, the alternative being long-term failure under loads of different managers. And Paul Wilson wonders whether Liverpool’s long winning run is healthy for the Premier League.
Matt Walker on the “joys” of watching the worst top-flight team in Europe.
Taxpayers FC’s push for Europe will depend considerably on Felipe Anderson, reckons Jacob Steinberg.
Black managers Marcão and Roger have joined forces at the Maracanã to condemn racism in Bolsanaro’s Brazil.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
RECOMMENDED BUYING
You can get your hands on some of David Squires’ favourite cartoons of his from down the years at our Print Shop.
