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Tactics Bored: Why is Pep Guardiola failing at Manchester City?

After nine games in the Premier League, we now have more than enough evidence to start collation, and then get down to some hardcore extrapolation. Did you know, for example, that if Manchester United to defend as they did against Chelsea, that they will concede a further 106 goals in the league? That is relegation form, and one of the reasons Jose Mourinho’s job should, statistically, already be in grave danger. Manchester City, too, are also set for the drop after winning none of their last five games. Were they to continue in this manner, then they would literally never win again, even if they were to play an infinite amount of time. Logically, we can expect the penalty shootout between City and United tonight to never end, and for the game to go on until the universe collapses back in on itself. This is just simple science.

Elsewhere, Liverpool have succeeded, but there is a surprise in the research findings that have been carried out at great cost to Yahoo and the University of Liverpool, and there is a new study which seems to suggest a correlation between Englishness and a lack of success in football.

Has Mourinho lost his edge?

Manchester United lost last weekend, 4-0 to Chelsea. Some journalists have suggested that Mourinho has lost his famous spark, the more than a hint of arrogance that transmitted to his players and created a winning habit. This is, in terms of tactical and statistical analysis, a weak theory that can barely be trusted. It needs to be rigorously tested, and that’s what we’ve done over the last 72 hours. Using the same computer that defeated Gary Kasparov at chequers. ‘Big Blue’, as the computer - assembled by top boffins - is called, devised the unique Mourinho Aggrometer, which shows the level of aggression which is best rewarded on a season basis. The results, the high point at which indicates the number of trophies he averages in the coming 12 months, are startling, but a familiar bell curve to all those involved in tactical writing:

Why is Guardiola a failure at Manchester City?

Pep Guardiola is an incredibly organised, controlled man. His rare bursts are not remarkable for their particular strength. After all, this is football, where rage at the world around you is the default setting. They are notable because they happen so rarely. It seems like the English press has already provoke him into reacting a little more than even Mourinho managed.

What is not known about Guardiola, though, is his love of flowcharts. It is these which have drilled the almost superhuman knowledge into players as varied as Andres Iniesta, Xabi Alonso and David Silva. It shows players when, where and how to pass, how to support team-mates, and when to resort to plan B. We can compare the differences in plan A and B at each club. Astoundingly, Plan B (the column on the right) has failed at both Manchester City and Bayern.

Is RAWK Liverpool’s twelfth man?

Liverpool, as we all know, invented the greatest musical scene of all time. As a Liverpool resident will tell you himself, nobody else in the world would question that the Beatles are the best band, and the most important band of all time. Without stopping for breath, or even being asked, they will also let you know that the sense of humour on Merseyside is also, unquestionably, the very best in the world. We were therefore incredibly well positioned to take stock of the most informed, most intelligent football forum, that is made up of the most informed, most intelligent and knowledgeable football fans in the world. You’ve already guessed it: Red and White Kop.

We examined five years of posts, and found that there was actually an inverse relationship between the numbers of tactical analyses, poems, and Lord of the Rings metaphors on the site, and the numbers of points per game being collected by the ‘famous Red Men’.

When confronted with the findings of the result, the University of Liverpool initially refused to put their name to it, claiming it ‘wouldn’t be worth the hassle.’ of finding a new job after inevitably facing calls to be sacked.