Granada’s players have admitted that they were surprised that Tony Adams’ threat to give them "a kick up the arse" was meant literally, as it was widely assumed to be a figure of speech.
Adams was a shock choice to try and guide the Spanish side to safety given his lack of proficiency in the language, apparent inexperience in top-level management and his presumed death in 2004, but the ex-Arsenal defender has taken to the role with great enthusiasm.
And just hours after promising to "give the players a kick up the arse", Granada’s medical staff have reported a spate of players complaining of gluteal injuries consistent with a sudden, sharp impact from a size-11 boot.
“We had presumed Adams’ statement was an... eh... hackneyed statement of intent, so we were... surprised [to see Tony Adams punting key midfielder Carcela like he was a ball bouncing around in the box], Uche told FourFourTwo.
“As we all gathered around him to see if he was OK, Adams took the chance to shoe three of us. It was like some kind of demented training exercise.
“Obviously we all have nothing but respect for Mr Adams, but I’m not sure how we will perform better with a line-up full of throbbing buttocks.”
Reports from inside the Granada camp suggest that Adams has spared nobody but that some players have escaped with grazes after Adams mistimed his fly hack at their posteriors.
“Nobody is safe from his boot, we live in constant fear of a kick in the tailbone,” striker Artem Kravets told FourFourTwo, fidgeting awkwardly in his seat.
“And if we don’t win a game soon, he has said that he’ll bring in Steve Bould to headbutt us all. We don’t know who this is, obviously, but we expect he is an eh... similarly industrial defender of the 1990s.”
Granada’s next game is at home to 10th-placed Celta Vigo, but Adams looks to have a threadbare squad to call upon.
Ezequiel Ponce is set to start after his goal from the bench against Valencia, but Ochoa [buttocks], Saunier [buttocks], Ingason [buttocks], Estupinan [buttocks], Foulquier [buttocks], Hector [buttocks], Uche [buttocks], Wakaso [buttocks], Carcela-Gonzalez [buttocks], Perreira [buttocks] and Kravets [buttocks] are set to miss out.
Please note: This satirical news story is not real. Like, obviously.