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Wholesome scenes that explored depths of shade and lightness of tone
NO PAINT, NO GAIN
Human beings are unpredictable animals – sometimes we do one thing, other times we do another – and the Fiver is no different. So, though the nation’s favourite tea-timely email is renowned for its sophisticated satire, coruscating wit, and punching up not down, on occasion it has no choice but to take the cheap, easy option and turn its focus on Tottenham Hotspur.
Related: Dulux’s Twitter trolling of Tottenham takes gloss off club’s new sponsorship
Just this morning, the club’s official Twitter account celebrated the signing of a sponsorship deal with Dulux, “the nation’s number one paint brand” installed as “our first ever Official Paint Supplier”. But with the Fiver chortling at the various absent hyphens and present capital letters, the new partner decided it wanted in on the fun. Audere est facere, and all that.
When one Social Media Disgrace user asked Dulux whether the dog could play centre-back, the brave administrator wondered “he might do a better job.” Another user then quipped that it “might be time to paint the trophy cabinet”, to which Mr Admin simply posted an image of an unused cabinet, apparently for sale, in wholesome scenes that explored depths of shade and lightness of tone. Someone got upset and the offending missives were quickly deleted – probably for the best, given Eric Dier’s delicate sensitivity – leaving the rest of us to wonder what was coming next. Perhaps a plan for some new colours: envy green, perennially blue and pathologically yellow, to be made available in either Stéphane Dal-matt or Christian Gloss.
At the time of writing, José Mourinho has yet to comment – the Fiver understands that he is busy seeking a new corner into which he will paint himself. Perhaps this is an omen for next weekend’s Carabao Cup final – as Chas and Dave taught, it’s lucky for Spurs when the year ends in Pant-one.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“That is the best own goal I’ve ever seen. The Glens have equalised … what a finish over his own goalkeeper” – following on from a remarkable 40-yard header from Glentoran striker Rory Donnelly earlier this week, the Glens benefit from a freak own goal from Coleraine’s Josh Carson, who somehow managed to tackle a 30-yard lob into his own net.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Years ago playing in Mackay in Queensland our match had to be postponed because the Ref was done for driving under the influence on the way to the Sunday afternoon match” – Richard Samwell.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … it’s a rollover!
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The penultimate round of Premier League matches will be pushed back to 18-19 May to enable up to 10,000 fans to attend them after the next scheduled relaxation of Covid measures.
The PFA and global players’ union Fifpro have called for temporary concussion substitutes to be trialled to better protect players with head injuries.
Saudi crown prince Mohammed bin Salman asked Boris Johnson to intervene over the Saudis’ thwarted bid for Newcastle last summer, it has emerged.
Lionel Messi has helped to obtain 50,000 Covid vaccines from China for a plan to inoculate all of South America’s football players before this summer’s Copa América tournament.
And Jürgen Klopp bemoaned Liverpool’s Big Cup exit as “the story of our season” while Pep Guardiola was a lot more chipper after Man City’s win at Dortmund. “We are building history,” he trilled.
STILL WANT MORE?
Quiet, unassuming Phil Brown is back, baby, at Southend – and on one of the toughest of survival missions. Ben Fisher has more.
Louise Taylor on how Pep’s positivity doused Dortmund’s fireworks.
Barney Ronay sings the praises of Real Madrid and their impenetrable white wall at Anfield.
Here’s Jonathan Wilson on Manchester City v PSG and the darker side of sport’s fairytales.
Suzanne Wrack analyses the latest women’s internationals and crunches them into our Euro 2022 power rankings.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
