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What absolutely will happen in the Premier League this weekend
Last week was a slight slap in the face for anyone who thought the Premier League was wholly predictable: Brighton let loose at West Ham’s expense, Huddersfield somehow put Jose Mourinho in an even worse mood and Manchester City only scored three.
Elsewhere, though, this column’s predictions fared quite well: Chelsea v Watford was indeed a barnstormer, Michael Appleton did the whole “I’m just here to do a job” act after securing three points in his first game as Leicester’s caretaker, and Spurs gave Liverpool hell at Wembley.
Adam Hurrey has polished his crystal ball, so to speak, and is ready to predict the unpredictable once again…
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Manchester United v Tottenham
Put your mortgage on…
A tight, cagey, controlled affair. Saturday lunchtime kick-offs between the established big-hitters don’t have a reputation for being ding-dong battles anyway, and this one will be dominated by Mourinho’s crippling fear of defeat, not to mention the Harry Kane-shaped hole in Tottenham’s attack. As against Liverpool, United are likely to worry too much about what Spurs can threaten at one end…while Mauricio Pochettino’s defence is robust enough to handle things at the other. The days of Tottenham steaming into an early lead, only to surrender five goals in response, are long gone with these two managers around.
The match, according to Championship Manager 93/94…
Retro indulgence
“There was nothing I could have done differently apart from run faster than Linford Christie.”
The words of poor assistant referee Ray Lewis, whose lack of pace meant he missed Pedro Mendes’ speculative 89th-minute hoof falling out of the Manchester night sky and being fumbled well over the line by Roy Carroll. A decision so bad that even Sir Alex Ferguson was annoyed about it.
Arsenal v Swansea
Put your mortgage on…
The SOL to shine again. Amid the deflation that was Ronald Koeman’s hapless last stand as Everton manager last weekend, the dovetailing of Alexis Sanchez, Mesut Ozil and Alexandre Lacazette – starting together for the first time – was exactly what Arsenal fans had hoped for.
Sanchez crossed for Ozil to head home, Ozil slid the ball on to a plate for Lacazette, and then Sanchez chose to go alone to out the icing on the cake in injury time. Swansea will have taken note, but there may not be much they can do about it either.
The match, according to a pie chart…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
SWANS CULLED BY ARSENAL’S THREE-GUN SALUTE
Crystal Palace v West Ham
Put your mortgage on…
West Ham to come crashing down to earth. There was something surreal about their Carabao Cup comeback against an ultimately indifferent Spurs at Wembley and, despite the short-term elation, not a huge amount to suggest this was a season kick-starter. Bilic needs more than the odd cup upset to hang around as manager.
The match, according to a pie chart…
Retro indulgence
Remember that epidemic of floodlight failures in the late-90s? The elaborate work of a Far East betting syndicate.
Crystal Palace’s trip to Upton Park in November 1997 was the first victim, with the rigged floodlights being switched off via remote control just after Frank Lampard had slammed in an equaliser. The match was abandoned, and the scammers struck twice more before they were arrested and jailed for four years. These days, they just ring Ray Winstone and beg for their money back.
Liverpool v Huddersfield
Put your mortgage on…
All eyes being on the technical area. The moment Huddersfield prevailed in the playoffs last season, thoughts eagerly turned to Jurgen Klopp’s reunion with old friend, teammate and best man David Wagner. The latter has been patient with his label as “mini-Klopp” ever since, like his closest friend, he arrived in English football from Borussia Dortmund – but he will have to put up with more convenient comparisons for another week at least.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
WAGNER’S SYMPHONY NO MATCH FOR KLOPP’S HEAVY METAL
Watford v Stoke
Put your mortgage on…
Marco Silva outfoxing another Proper Football Man. Stoke’s recent aimlessness under Mark Hughes has rather gone under the radar despite the whirring into gear of the managerial merry-go-round. Hughes has a habit of being irritated by the gameplans of forward-thinking Continentals, so if Silva earns a handshake at the final whistle at Vicarage Road, he’ll have probably gone wrong somewhere.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
March 2003: Stoke come to Hertfordshire, only to be a sunk by this looping beauty from former Ajax and Holland winger Peter Hoekstra. A string of injury problems meant this was the final goal of his career – not a bad way to hang up the boots.
West Brom v Manchester City
Put your mortgage on…
Prepare yourself – a convincing Manchester City win. Look, the numbers are getting silly: apart from their devastating form this season, Guardiola’s side are now up against one of their most accommodating opponents. They’ve won their last 12 meetings with West Brom, and have led at both half time and full time in nine of their last ten against them.
City’s Premier League momentum might be halted at some point, but it’s not going to be here. If only Tony Pulis was allowed to use a Mitre Delta…
The match, according to a pie chart…
Retro indulgence
The slightest glimmer of hope for the Baggies? Here they are, quite literally belting four past City at the Hawthorns in September 2001, and rightly punishing a team wearing fluorescent green socks.
Bournemouth v Chelsea
Put your mortgage on…
Chelsea to just about survive without N’Golo Kante again. There were worrying periods against Watford at Stamford Bridge last weekend when the central-midfield pairing of Cesc Fabregas and Tiemoue Bakayoko almost vanished as a defensive proposition, but they might get an easier ride down at the Vitality.
The match, according to Championship Manager 93/94…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
CHELSEA GIVE CHERRIES A CHASING
Brighton v Southampton
Put your mortgage on…
Sofiane Boufal to earn a Southampton start. “He has to wait for his opportunity,” warned Mauricio Pellegrino last weekend, despite the slaloming wondergoal that finally undid the West Brom midfield and defence all on its own. Boufal’s celebration – a chest-thumping display in front of Pellegrino, whose high-five was snubbed – risked irking his manager even more, but he surely cannot be sidelined from the starting lineup again.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
SAINTS ALIVE BUT BRIGHTON ROCK IN SOUTH COAST CLASICO
Leicester v Everton
Put your mortgage on…
Claude Puel to hit the ground running. The Frenchman has a point to prove to English football: a supposed failure at Southampton, despite taking them to eighth in the Premier League and to a cup final, Puel’s style of play is what eventually cost him his job. But he is a clever enough manager to find another way (his Nice side were far from dull) and has enough motivation to do so with an energetic Leicester side.
The match, according to a pie chart…
Retro indulgence
No wondergoals or 3-3 draws here, just Duncan Ferguson strangling Steffen Freund. And who will ever get tired of that?
Burnley v Newcastle
Put your mortgage on…
Sean Dyche remaining diplomatic. Sky’s Monday Night Football roadshow will roll into town, which will mean some lengthy examination of Dyche’s credentials as the next manager of Everton.
“You’re always flattered at your work being recognised,” he said this week, choosing his words very carefully indeed. “It’s right that I get asked about it, of course, and they are another good club. But I’m respectful of this club.”
Everton are becoming the perennial stepping-stone club for ambitious managers, but they may have to wait (and fight) if Dyche’s their man.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
DYCHE ON HIS BIKE?
