Alternative PL Preview - October 28

Jose Mourinho to sleep in the Man Utd dressing room before Saturday’s match

Sometimes it’s easy to overlook the personal sacrifices players and managers make. Jose Mourinho, for instance, is still living out a suitcase in the Lowry Hotel, with his manager still based in London. Not a full-size tube of toothpaste in sight. The Manchester United boss has forgotten what it’s like not to have coat hangers that are physically attached to the wardrobe.

And so before Saturday’s home match against Burnley Mourinho will sleep in the home dressing room. He’ll find a pile of unsold Radamel Falcao shirts to keep him warm, using Sir Alex Ferguson’s famous hairdryer to coiffure his silvery slick hair when he wakes up. The concrete floor will be a little uncomfortable, but anything is better than staying another night in a hotel. There are only so many towel swans one man can admire.

David Moyes to seek advice from a fellow specialist in failure

There are serious issues at Sunderland. David Moyes was as shocked as anyone to discover that he is not solely to blame for the troubles the club is currently suffering, but that doesn’t mean the Scot is helping the Black Cats in their present situation. He is making things worse.

Moyes will therefore seek advice from the lord of all specialists in failure this weekend. Arsene Wenger knows what it’s like to bear the brunt of criticism from his own fans on a weekly basis and so he is in the perfect position to offer some words of wisdom to his struggling Sunderland counterpart. How many lives does a cat have? Moyes better hope a Black Cat has more than nine.

Everton will try to sneak Enner Valencia on the West Ham team bus

As far as summer signings go, Everton’s move for Enner Valencia is looking pretty poor right now. The Ecuadorian has played just three times for the Toffees since joining on loan from West Ham, turning in the kind of performances that make him the worst striker on Merseyside since a certain Italian asked ‘why always me?’

Ronald Koeman wants a refund, or at the very least he wants to return Valencia. He’ll shuffle the Ecuadorian on to the West Ham team bus as it prepares to leave Goodison Park after Saturday’s match in the hope that nobody will notice. Sloven Bilic will indeed notice, though, unceremoniously pushing him off the vehicle. The Hammers might need a striker, but they’re not that desperate.

Police to show up at St Mary’s Stadium after sightings of another killer clown

It’s the epidemic that has swept the nation, with sightings of so-called ‘killer clowns’ have caused mass hysteria up and down the United Kingdom. Police will be called to St Mary’s Stadium ahead of Southampton’s home match against Chelsea following reports of another sighting. This one, they said, was even more terrifying than most.

The boys in blue will search the place thoroughly, only to spot the culprit on the pitch during the match. The clown in question will be wearing Chelsea’s number 30 shirt, playing alongside Gary Cahill at the heart of the away team’s defence. He’ll even take freekicks for the visiting Blues! To be fair, it won’t be the first time David Luiz has been mistaken for a clown.

Pep Guardiola to pack a hair dryer, but no hair brush, for the trip to West Brom

Never before has Pep Guardiola gone six games as a manager without a win. Never before has football’s bulging mastermind looked so… normal. Manchester City’s trip to the Hawthorns to face West Brom this weekend could prove a watershed moment for their new manager, and so the Catalan will prepare for everything.

He’ll pack his bag with all the usual items - ironed shirt, cashmere sweater, the tears of Jose Mourinho - but he’ll also stop by Argos on his way to the match to pick up a hair dyer. His lack of a hair brush will hint at his true intention for his new purchase. This is not meant for personal moulding. This is meant for personal scolding.