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Five things... That will happen when England play San Marino

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1) Anger when England fail to score in first 10 minutes
San Marino tend to be crushed roughly 6-0 when they face England, which equates to a goal every 15 minutes, although most of those strikes come in the second half when the minnows fitness levels’ drop. Despite these stats, there is a general expectation among many England fans that the Three Lions should score with every attack. Therefore, their frustration will begin to bubble over if England don’t immediately take the lead. Expect the Twitter abuse for Roy Hodgson’s side to kick in about seven minutes into the match.

2) Weird Rooney mania
History will be made in San Marino. Wayne Rooney is having such a sorry season that it is perfectly fitting he will become England’s top goalscorer in the most anti-climactic setting possible. But when Wazza shins in his 49th England goal amid laughable defending, the media will have no option but to hail him as a footballing God. Breaking, or equalling, Bobby Charlton’s 45-year-old record is a big deal. But the pre-prepared articles and TV packages acclaiming Rooney as a legend and a genius will seem slightly hollow given his horrible form in the Premier League and the niggling suspicion that he’s not that great after all. Oh well.

3) Set piece goal
Roy Hodgson will tell his players to knock the ball around on the floor and use their superior skill to break down the Sammarinese/ San Marinoans/Italians? England fans will then sit back to enjoy a rare masterclass of attacking flair from the likes of Ross Barkley and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, but will instead end up half-heartedly celebrating a bog standard goal from a corner or a lofted free-kick that San Marino’s defence failed to deal with. Oh well.

4) Goalkeeper patronised
With England dominating possession, San Marino’s keeper Aldo Simoncini is guaranteed to be at the centre of the action and a familiar pattern will emerge. The moment he flaps at a couple of high balls, pundits will label him “suspect on crosses” and advise England to deliver more of them, despite earlier having said they would like to see a fluent passing game from Hodgson’s men. Whenever Simoncini makes a save - and he will make several - he will be praised in the same manner that you would congratulate a toddler for correctly identifying a cat.

5) Harry Kane gets excited
Try as he might to shrug it off, the pressure is most certainly on Harry Kane to demonstrate he is not a Michael Ricketts-style one-season wonder. And the prospect of facing a defence comprised of accountants and clothes shop managers will get the Tottenham striker licking his lips with anticipation. If you look closely, you will be able to see him literally doing this from his position on the bench. Since the end of last season, Kane has played seven competitive games without finding the net, but this match will be his best opportunity to break that run. Hodgson would be mean not to bring him on for the last 30 minutes.

@darlingkevin

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