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Revealed! The perfect Christmas film to watch for fans of all 20 Premier League clubs
Football does its bit to distract you from the Yuletide holiday to come, but even playing six games in five days (or whatever your side’s current schedule is) can’t fill all of the many hours ahead.
So for reasons beyond even the wisest of men, we’ve plucked a festive film to match the mood of fans of every Premier League club. Enjoy.
Arsenal fans: The Muppets Christmas Carol
It’s a meagre Christmas once more for poor Tiny Troopz, so Gunners fans can settle down to enjoy this festive fantasy about a stingy old gent who can find no value in the market so is tight with his funds all year.
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The heartwarming crescendo comes on Christmas Day, as he has a miraculous change of heart! Soon our crinkly hero is lavishing cash on the biggest prize turkey in the shop – even larger than Granit Xhaka – and all of the muppets are delighted. Brings a tear to the eye, blud.
Bournemouth fans: Trading Places
Spent a lifetime looking at the rich kids in their snooty club, then the humble Cherries traded places with some poor chumps (sorry, QPR) to play with the big boys.
Best thing about it is they’ve done it while entertaining, just like this super Christmas-set Dan Aykroyd/Eddie Murphy comedy – although it is a bit uncomfortable when Aykroyd goes “the full Griezmann” and dresses up as a rastafarian. Hmm.
Burnley fans: The Snowman
Why do you need to watch a fancy American Christmas film? Is a good, underrated Brit flick not good enough for you? Settle down and enjoy this classic about a ginger kid who gets all that they dreamed of and more.
Even better now that Sean Dyche has re-recorded the vocals to Walking in the Air with his own distinctive, sand-gargled tones. Christmas No.1?
Brighton fans: The Polar Express
You can’t help but admire all the hard work that’s gone into lovingly creating both film and club, even if watching them for a long time isn’t the most, well… no, it’s that third round of turkey that’s making us sleepy. After all, that lovely Tom Hughton is in it. No, Chris Hanks? What did we say? Can we fast-forward this yet?
Chelsea fans: Gremlins
Don’t like predictability from your Christmas films, gifts or football club? Well grab this romp about a bunch of selfish animals who are harmless one moment, then terrorising rivals the next.
It’s all something to do with whether you fed Eden Hazard after midnight or if they like the manager this week or something. Basically a lot more fun when they’re evil.
Crystal Palace fans: Batman Returns
A film series perfect for the Selhurst refrain of “Who the hell is this joker?” Yet it’s Tim Burton’s Christmas-set, Joker-free sequel that’s best for the Palace faithful, as it’s helped by the introduction of some major characters.
Familiar fayre to Eagles fans whose brooding state was turned around by the return of Wilf Zaha, then Croydon’s own superhero: The Incredible Hodge.
Everton fans: The Nightmare Before Christmas
Singalong classic for football fans who had to deal with a nightmarish first half of the season, before it all miraculously came together just in time for Christmas. Big round of applause for the fat, cheery, ruddy-faced chap whose late appearance saves the day. Settle down with a pint of mulled wine and enjoy.
Huddersfield fans: Elf
Life a bit dreary? What would you say about a wide-eyed, enthusiastic, improbably hairy man-child showing up to turn things on their head? It’s a film and plan that sounds appalling on paper, but in reality in turns out to be an unexpected treat.
Liverpool fans: Lethal Weapon
Yes, it is a Christmas film. A 1980s action cracker for the best team of that decade. Things have been a bit hit and miss for club and franchise in the decades since, but the original is great and ends with a man rocking a terrific mullet, rolling around in the mud beating the tar out of someone - which is how every good Scouse Christmas ends. Possibly.
Leicester fans: Miracle on 34th Street
So titled as Miracle on 2015/16th Street is too much of a mouthful. Kindly, seemingly batty, old fellow claims he’s a real-life Father Christmas and can make your wildest dreams come true.
Nobody believes him, but this has a happy ending with bells on. Dilly-dong!
Man City fans: Love Actually
Sickening isn’t it? Watching a love-in with an ludicrously suave foreigner as it all heads for a too-perfect happy ending, while we have to sit here looking at the tired old face we’ve grown to hate, yet knowing that it could get even worse because if we dump them we might get lumbered with Tony Pulis. Pass the brandy.
Anyway, it’s Love Actually for the Citizens – a sugar-coated dream for them; but the non-believers are gagging in the back row.
Man United fans: The Grinch
Had enough of a sour-faced old grouch who speaks in riddles and seems to have a vendetta against half of the world, including those around him? Of course you haven’t, you love it!
At one point he apparently takes a flamethrower to the Christmas tree, which sounds about right – although some United fans may find the end where he repents and changes his evil ways a bit unrealistic.
Newcastle fans: Bad Santa
What do you like in a film? Bit of boozy carnage, cash grabs, highs and lows, some utter filth – well strap yourself in, Toon fans. This is a film that’s the equivalent of a seven-hour power drinking session followed by yakking into a fireplace. And if you think a big, positive change is coming at your football club, Bad Santa has some a view on that too: "Why don't you wish in one hand, and s**t in the other. See which one fills up first.”
Sage advice for us all.
Southampton fans: Nativity 3: Dude, Where's My Donkey?
Once the best-run club in the league, things have gone a bit off-kilter for the Saints as a few exotic experiments have gone awry. Maybe it’s time to get back to simple, British-inspired roots via this Christmas, erm... classic about a gang of unheralded youngsters putting on an unexpectedly fine display?
Admittedly, the “Where’s my donkey?” kicker does conjure up uncomfortable Dani Osvaldo memories.
Stoke fans: Santa with Muscles
Things have been a bit weak at the bet365 Stadium, once a bastion of fearsome strength, so let’s remember the good old days where anyone who slid down Stoke’s chimney on a cold night was in for an old-fashioned beating. This seasonal hit [citation needed] stars disgraced 1980s wrestling icon Hulk Hogan as a… buff… benchpressing Papa Christmas?
Look, we’re guessing here because like the rest of the world we haven’t seen this. But it sure beats watching Stoke City on Boxing Day, brotha.
Swansea fans: National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
You’d have to be a fan of crude slapstick and foul language to in any way take pleasure from watching Swansea this season. Also, Swans fans could probably really do with a laugh. Swansea, your shi… erm, chemical toilet is full – in fact, it’s overflowing.
Tottenham fans: Home Alone
Story of a blond, boyish hero left to fend for himself in a lavish but rather soulless new house and he does… pretty well, on the whole. Real Madrid play the part of wet bandits; turning up all cocky to rob the place only to leave with battered pride and a painpot to the face. Ouch.
Watford fans: Silent Night, Deadly Night
Any fans who can enjoy the carnage of Watford’s red card-filled season will revel in this campy Christmas horror. Although really it’s just about a psycho axe-wielding Santa who wants to decapitate you – which still sounds much more fun than contesting a 50/50 ball with Troy Deeney.
Hang on – isn’t Deeney suspended all Christmas? Lock your doors, people.
West Brom fans: It’s A Wonderful Life
For those who like their entertainment black & white (stay with us; you’ve got this far): the tale of a lively little town that spends too long under the yolk of an old miser, forcing our heroes into desperate acts like praying for angels or hiring Alan Pardew.
Thankfully, it all turns around for one of cinema’s all-time feel-good pay-offs. This must be what finishing 17th feels like.
West Ham fans: Die Hard
For those who enjoy seeing their hero take a bloody battering by slick operators, yet never quite go down. Bonus points if you squint and imagine it’s David Moyes in a dirty white vest, trampling barefoot on glass, spitting out one-liners and engaging in violent fisticuffs with a ponytailed henchman. How else do you think he’s training Andy Carroll?
