Very Specific Football Question No.53: Why Simone Zaza?

Twenty-sixteen has given rise to a variety of new and sometimes disturbing concepts, from 1,000-mile long anti-immigrant structures to the worship of mannequins, but few phenomena have been more perplexing than one tattooed Italian man whose purpose remains a mystery.

Many Europeans first heard the words “Simone Zaza” on 2 July of this tumultuous year, when the impact of Brexit was just sinking in and the mad ramblings of Donald Trump still felt like an laughable sideshow.

Looking as cool as a rock star with his funky beard and powerful body art, Zaza entered the dramatic scene of Italy’s Euro 2016 penalty shoot-out against Germany without having played a second of the actual game, introduced solely as a “spot-kick specialist”.

This status made his subsequent effort from 12 yards - consisting of a curious Russian-style dance followed by a reckless blast over the bar - all the more confusing. He was brought on to take a penalty, and then took the worst penalty anyone had ever seen.

Most onlookers, unable to properly process the surreal incident, put it down as a glitch in the football matrix and tried to move on with their lives. But rather than politely disappearing from the sport, Zaza was persuaded to continue his career with West Ham United.

He has been with the Hammers ever since but, despite making 11 appearances in claret and blue, his footballing function has not yet been deduced by anyone who has watched him play.

Zaza has scored no goals, made no assists and affected no matches in a positive or even a negative way. He has not missed any clear-cut chances or exhibited any disciplinary problems. He has merely been present while football matches go on around him.

The only sporting skill he has shown any natural affinity to is slide tackling, which has not been very useful in solving the Hammers’ goalscoring problems.

Perhaps most infuriating is the sense that inside Zaza’s body is a footballer of substantial attacking talent, but who wants to stay inside that body where it is warm and cosy. This is most evident in those moments when Zaza looks as if he is about to do something excellent, but then doesn’t.

The deal that brought Zaza to the London Stadium is as befuddling as his activity on the pitch.
The Hammers are said to have paid £4.5m to take Zaza on loan, with another £17m automatically payable if he makes a certain number of appearances for the club, plus another £2.5m in “bonuses”.

That “certain number” of appearances has not been confirmed by anyone, leading to conflicting reports about the actual figure. It has been recently alleged that the amount is either 10, 12 or 20 games, while the latest claim is that Zaza is trying to have the clause removed altogether because it is putting “more pressure” on him.

In fact, closer examination of past transfers involving Zaza shows that purchasing him has never been straightforward.

His first major move came in 2013 when, after a successful season for Ascoli (on loan from Sampdoria) in Italy’s Serie B, he was signed by Juventus for €3.5m - and simultaneously by fellow Serie A outfit Sassuolo for €2.5m in a co-ownership deal.

Confused? That’s just the tip of the iceberg.

The following year, Sassuolo bought Zaza from their co-owners Juventus for €7.5m, but Juventus inserted a clause that meant they could buy him back for €15m before June 2015 and for €18m before June 2016.

And they did buy him back, one week after the cheaper price had expired on 7 July 2015, meaning they paid €18m instead of the €15m Zaza would have cost had they bought him seven days earlier.

Don’t think about any of this too much, it will just make your head hurt. Zaza is a riddle with no resolution.

West Ham fans told by their manager Slaven Bilic in August they had acquired a “top-class striker” - and for a club record fee, no less - are not angry or upset with Zaza. They are merely baffled.

Together, they have scratched their heads and tried to find a hidden deeper meaning behind the presence of this inscrutable yet strangely likeable bald-headed figure in their midst.

But without success. Zaza remains an enigma. A penalty specialist who cannot take penalties, a hotshot striker who doesn’t score goals. He still plays for West Ham most weeks, and looks no closer to breaking his duck than he ever did.

So perhaps he will just remain here now. In a year that that has shocked, infuriated and devastated like no other, Simone Zaza may just be another of those incomprehensible things we all have to get used to.

Follow @darlingkevin on Twitter

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