Alternative Premier League Preview - March 17

Romelu Lukaku to turn up at Goodison Park in a rickshaw to avoid tabloid criticism

Having rejected the offer of a new contract at Everton the day before Romelu Lukaku had the cheek to turn up to training the following morning an expensive car he paid for with money that he earned. The tabloid press unloaded on the Belgian striker, highlighting the arrogance of a man prepared to use his own possessions in such circumstances. Shameful.

An English lion wouldn’t have behaved this way. He would have turned up in a battered old Mini Metro or a tiny Smart car (although the latter didn’t work for Raheem Sterling). And so to avoid any further criticism Lukaku will take a rickshaw to Everton’s home match against Hull City at Goodison Park this weekend. Now, how much of a tip does he give the driver? Don’t want to be too flashy.

READ MORE: Saturday’s Daily Fantasy Gameweek 29 must-haves and must-nots

READ MORE: Sunday’s Daily Fantasy Gameweek 29 must-haves and must-nots

On-loan Jack Wilshere to go on loan from Bournemouth to find first team football

Jack Wilshere deserves a lot of credit for showing the willingness to drop down a level to prove himself. He recognised that opportunities were going to be few and far between at Arsenal this season and so made the move to join Bournemouth in search of first team football.

Now, however he has dropped out of the Bournemouth first team, only making the bench in the draw against Manchester United two weeks ago and coming on for a five-minute cameo against West Ham last week. And so the on loan Arsenal player will go on loan from Bournemouth to find first team action again. Anyone looking for a grossly overrated and injury prone midfielder with a smoking problem?

West Brom to play Saturday’s game against Arsenal in flip-flops and board shorts

Tony Pulis guarantees two things – a natty choice of baseball cap and Premier League survival. With the Welshman in charge your team is certain to make the mythical 40 point mark. Beyond that, however, Pulis doesn’t exactly deliver, winning just five of his 37 top flight fixtures played after reaching 40 points.

This record means Pulis’ teams often face criticisms of thinking of the beach and the summer holidays before the season has actually finished. The fact that West Brom’s players will take to the field against Arsenal this weekend in flip-flops and board shorts probably won’t help stem those criticisms.

Pep Guardiola and Jurgen Klopp will agree to play without defences, because what’s the point?

Manchester City and Liverpool don’t do defences. They wouldn’t have it any other way. Just envisage how boring it would have been had City simply held out after scoring an away goal against Monaco on Wednesday night. Or how monotonous it would have been had Liverpool not suffered a catastrophic capitulation at Bournemouth earlier in the season.

Pep Guardiola and Jurgen Klopp believe in the virtue of entertainment over everything else, and defences are not a part of their vision. So the two men will agree to abandon them this weekend, with City hosting Liverpool at the Etihad Stadium. There’s no point in pretending either team care at all about anything at the back.

Paul Pogba’s doubters to label the £89 million midfielder a flop for getting injured

No matter the extent to which Jose Mourinho backs Paul Pogba, the world’s most expensive player will be criticised for something. Whether it’s his Twitter emoji or his natural flamboyance or the audacity to dye his hair, there’s nothing the Frenchman can do without it firing up his doubters.

Now, Pogba is injured and will sit out Manchester United’s Premier League fixture against Middlesbrough on Sunday after picking up a hamstring injury. That will only give his critics even more ammunition. How can a player who cost £89 million get injured? What a flop. You don’t see Gareth Bale getting injured.