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England after Southgate: choose your own adventure
BACK TO THE FUTURE
With Gareth Southgate departing his role as England manager, who is next in the hot seat? Here are a few candidates a window into the imagined future of what could happen, should they get the job.
Eddie Howe: The FA immediately puts all the goodwill that Southgate has garnered into paying Saudi-controlled Newcastle a hefty compensation fee to lure Howe, despite the Magpies’ best efforts. But with Kieran Trippier switched from left-back to right-wing, and Nick Pope replacing Jordan Pickford in goal, mutiny breaks out across the squad, with Howe unsure as how to clear up the mess, shirking his media responsibilities. Instead, Jason Tindall is placed in front of the cameras and microphones, which the assistant manager absolutely hates.
Graham Potter: Given the job mainly because he looks a bit like Southgate but initially has great success after implementing key tactical changes. Kyle Walker is allowed past the halfway line, Eberechi Eze is told he doesn’t have to play left-back, while Harry Kane and Jude Bellingham aren’t flogged until their knees fall off. Despite these innovations, Potter is never truly trusted by fans due to his ability to speak a second language (Swedish) and after a fourth Lewis Dunk own goal in five games at the 2026 World Cup, Potter resigns.
Thomas Tuchel: Immediately loses the dressing room after completely misjudging the severity of his handshakes with the squad at the first camp. Cole Palmer ends up with some sort of rash. Tuchel’s presence does at least convince a certain backwards section of England’s fanbase to briefly stop singing a certain song about aeroplanes, so not all bad.
Lee Carsley: The English-born version of Luis de la Fuente, Carsley is promoted from Under-21 manager, although all mention of his 40 caps for the Republic of Ireland are banned within the squad. Youth understandably becomes a key component of a new-look England, with Adam Wharton actually getting a game and Kane jettisoned to a place called Shearer’s Island for work on his “growth and development”.
Jürgen Klopp: Approached for the job, but the adopted scouser never bothers ringing back. Apparently too busy hanging out with Stormzy and AJ Tracy, playing padel and bopping along to Jamie XX raves in Berlin. The right call.
Samuele Allardici: A shock appointment, the unheralded Italian gets the job off the back of his 100% win rate as an international manager, although journalists later uncover that covers just one match, a nervy 1-0 win for a small island nation back in 2016. Reportedly loves a pinta di vino, although nutritionists have not yet introduced it at the England canteen. Manages a few words of broken English at his unveiling, including the cryptic “get that smile”, although nobody is quite sure what it means.
Sarina Wiegman: The FA sees sense and appoints the Dutch head coach on the basis of her being the only person on this list who has actually won anything at senior international level. Tactically astute but also with an intrinsic understanding of the English condition, Wiegman leads England to success at the 2026 World Cup in carefree, swashbuckling style, despite the fact that she still doesn’t “have a natural replacement for Kalvin Phillips”.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Forget Euro 2024, it’s all about Euro 2025 now. You can join Rob Smyth from 6pm BST for hot MBM coverage of the Sweden 1-3 England qualifier.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
His Majesty’s Government of Gibraltar is disappointed to note that several players of the Spanish male national football team celebrated their European Cup win with chants of rancid remarks about Gibraltar” – Álvaro Morata and Rodri chanting “Gibraltar es español” (Gibraltar is Spanish”) spark inevitable controversy and a complaint to Uefa.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
I can only guess at how excited Football Daily is getting at being able to (possibly) use the term ‘Frank Lampard’s England’” – Peter Storch [shudders – Football Daily Ed].
Am sure Football Daily Towers is in a pandemonium right now. Also good that the news did not drop at 4.58pm. But it is nice to see such a seamless transformation. All those who were baying for his blood yesterday are suddenly singing hymns in his honour today” – Krishnamoorthy V.
Alistair Moffat (yesterday’s letters) makes an excellent point about it not being 58 years of men’s hurt, but I think he’s wrong to suggest we should measure from England not winning the European Championships in 1968. England were still the holders of the World Cup then and would be until the finals in 1970. Surely the hurt – and it really did hurt – only started when we were controversially (of course) beaten by West Germany in the quarter-finals on 14 June 1970. An event which, if memory serves, was so cataclysmic that it also ended Terry Collier’s marriage (Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?). So I make that 54 years of hurt. Of course, in 1996 ‘30 years of hurt’ scans better than ‘26 years’ so I think we can allow artistic licence” – Jack Sisterson.
In life comes at you fast, especially in football, news … from ‘redemption arc nears completion’ to ‘in the coaching wilderness’ in less than three months. It’s a harsh business, this football malarkey” – Noble Francis.
Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … Jack Sisterson. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.
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