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Five things... we mourned the passing of in 2015/16
Tim Sherwood’s gilet
While the 2015/16 Premier League season gave rise to a new wave of heroes, it also claimed its victims, and it is only right that football fans should take a moment to mourn them. Many of the casualties were at Aston Villa, who began the campaign full of optimism under the helm of “the manager with the gilet” - Tim Sherwood. Nine months later, they are all - club, manager and gilet - left in tatters. Whilst Villa are at least still alive and unwell in the Championship, and Sherwood can be found most weekdays browsing the men’s section of Uniqlo, the gilet is missing, presumed dead. As Sherwood rethinks his managerial branding strategy, it seems unlikely we will ever see the fabled bodywarmer again. RIP.
Vincent Kompany’s calf
After years of feeling sorry for itself, this was the year when Vincent Kompany’s sulkiest muscle finally decided to give up football for good. Despite the protests from Kompany’s other body parts, which all appeared to be in excellent condition, his calf selfishly called time on its own career and brought everyone else down with it. In its younger days, the calf was a thriving mass of tissue and could often be seen bulging coquettishly from the top of Kompany’s socks. But after starring in Manchester City’s famous 2012 title triumph it became lazy, throwing tantrums at the slightest hint of exertion and demanding to be massaged. Last seen throbbing sadly as the Belgian defender left the field during the Champions League semi-final against Real Madrid, Kompany’s calf will be missed.
Theo Walcott’s youth
Gone, but not forgotten. If it seems like only yesterday when a fresh-faced 17-year-old named Theo was called into England’s World Cup squad, then you must have been drinking heavily in the ensuing period because it was 10 damn years ago. For some reason Walcott’s youth has continued to define him, but the Arsenal winger striker winger can no longer attribute his infuriating rawness and resultant peripheral status to his tender years. At 27, he has hit football middle-age, to the degree that Arsene Wenger has stopped fancying him and begun seeking a younger model. It’s time for Theo to man up and fly the nest.
Gary Neville’s ego
The Manchester United legend’s trademark self-confidence has become part of the fabric of our lives. Whether helping Gary scythe down wingers, goad Liverpool fans or tell it like it is on Sky Sports, Neville’s ego would never leave his side. In fact, it was the ego that persuaded Gary he could walk straight into La Liga with no managerial experience and lead Valencia to glory. But this time the ego’s eyes had been too big for its stomach, and La Liga had it for breakfast. Neville returned to England a humbler, gentler man, but the ego was nowhere to be seen. Some believe Gary left it behind, sunning itself on a Spanish beach, while others say he destroyed it in a furious showdown at the airport. But perhaps the ego is merely recuperating, soon to be reunited with its owner.
Jose Mourinho’s sense of humour
There was a time when the Special One’s movie-star smile could turn a straight man’s legs to jelly. Sometimes he was funny on purpose; sometimes by accident. Such was his swagger that he didn’t seem to care either way. He was adept at channelling energy, either negative or positive, into cutting humour. But not this season. As Mourinho’s Chelsea side unravelled in ugly fashion, so did he. The sarcastic pithiness gave way to spiteful rage; the smile was replaced by a scowl. It was still entertaining in its own way - Mourinho has never been less than that - but the fun had gone out of it. Let’s hope Jose has restored his sense of humour in time for his move to Man Utd; he’ll need it.
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