Advertisement

Five things… Jose Mourinho has in common with Alan Partridge

Living in a hotel

The pursuit of professional excellence can be a lonely endeavour, especially when you’re a middle-aged man whose past glories are slipping gradually, inexorably out of your grasp. Jose Mourinho has had to contemplate this fact in isolation since he was appointed Manchester United manager in late May. He has been living alone in Salford’s Lowry Hotel for 153 days, exactly one month short of the 183 days Alan Partridge spent living in the Linton Travel Tavern in 1997. But while Partridge tried to focus on the positive elements of hotel living – friendly reception staff, adult movie content on demand, lax policing of plate diameter at the breakfast buffet – Mourinho revealed this week that his five-month stay at the Lowry has been “a bit of a disaster”. But are there any other comparisons to be drawn between these two iconic men?

Bouncing back?

At Partridge’s lowest ebb, he developed an addiction to Toblerone and drove to Dundee in his bare feet. Mourinho’s ‘Dundee moment’ came last season, when he suffered his own public meltdown as his title-defending Chelsea side unravelled spectacularly. Jose verbally assaulted referees, criticised his own players and grew some angry stubble before eventually being sacked. But like Alan, he has returned refreshed and ready to take on the world again. He has, on other words, bounced back. Or has he? Just as Alan’s so-called comeback – consisting of a stint presenting the military-based quiz show Skirmish on cable TV channel UK Conquest – did not seem as successful as he would have us believe, Jose’s time in Manchester has also lacked a certain glamour so far. He’s not even in the Champions League, instead being forced to slum it in the Europa League – the footballing equivalent of Partridge vehicle Crash Bang Wallop! What a Video!

Bitter rivalries

Alan and Jose have both become embroiled in more than their fair share of petty squabbles. While Jose has had to deal with frequent abuse from rival fans, Alan also had a brush with anti-social behaviour when some vandals (almost certainly football fans) swore on his car (although fortunately he was able to amend the expletives to “Cook Pass Babtridge”). Alan’s antagonism towards BBC commissioning editor Tony Hayers prompted him to thrust an entire block of cheese entire into his face, while Jose also has a nemesis in the form of Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger. Needless to say, Jose almost always has the last laugh in that one.

Women trouble

Alan’s wife Carol left him when his star waned. His subsequent attempts to woo ladies mainly involved taking them to owl sanctuaries and being covered in chocolate mousse against his will. The divorce settlement probably cost him a pretty penny too, but it’s nothing compared to the £5m out-of-court settlement Chelsea paid to former Blues physio Eva Caneiro after she made a sexual discrimination claim against the club related to Mourinho’s alleged conduct towards her during a Premier League match versus Swansea. Jose does at least have the consolation of remaining happily married, whereas Carol is living with a fitness instructor “who drinks yellow stuff out of a tin”. He’s an idiot.

Fading genius

In their pomp, Alan was the king of primetime TV (or, at least, he was on TV) and Jose was revered as the world’s greatest manager (or, at least, he won a few trophies). Both men displayed an unerring confidence in their God-given talent (for coaching and producing light entertainment shows respectively), but did they lose it? Partridge never did get his second series as the modern TV landscape changed and left him behind, whereas Man Utd’s 4-0 defeat at Chelsea left Mourinho looking like yesterday’s man. Will Jose get a second season? Not at this rate.

Follow/abuse @darlingkevin on Twitter

MORE

Five things… Southgate can do to prove he’s badass

Five things… that need to happen to get Big Sam back at West Ham

Five things… West Ham can do to stop their fans fighting each other

Five things… Bastian Schweinsteiger can do while he’s not playing for Manchester United

Five things… that are reassuringly familiar about the new season

Five things… Cristiano Ronaldo won’t tell his grandchildren about the CL final

Five things… You will be able to watch if Leicester win the league

Five things… Taxpayers will have to pay for at West Ham’s Olympic Stadium

Five things… That would ruin the Premier League if Britain quit the EU

Five things… That would improve the Premier League if Britain quit the EU

Five things… That could explain Olivier Giroud’s pass against Barcelona

Five things… That inspire Roberto Martinez

Five things… David Moyes doesn’t want to talk about right now

Five things… Cristiano Ronaldo is better at than Lionel Messi

Five things… Tim Sherwood gave the Premier League

Five things… Carlton Cole still needs to do to emulate Pele

Five things… Sam Allardyce asked in his Sunderland interview

Five things… That will drive you mad in the transfer window

Five things… Ed Woodward must do to restore his credibility at Man Utd

Five things… Emmanuel Adebayor will do this month